Saturday, December 09, 2000

i honestly belive that people can change. everyone's got a past, and maybe alot of people have things bottled up in there that they aren't
proud of. but things pass, and you learn from your mistakes. things that you've done that you've regretted. and it really doesn't make you less of a person if you move on from them. you learn from everything that you do, and it actually makes you stronger.
you once told me that i didnt have my priorities straight. you felt like you were on the bottom, but it was all a great misunderstanding. if only you knew that you were always on top. but i guess that these are just the things that run through my head. maybe you'd just be better off believing that everyone's going to let you down, so when they actually do it wont hurt so much. maybe its not like that at all, i could be wrong. but when you feel this way towards me it hurts me so much because u act as if im your enemy. and you tell me how much i hurt you and how much i dont care. but those words sting me because i care so much more than you'll ever even know.
so many times in our past ive told you that i was sorry, but you didnt care to hear me out, and i dont blame you. i was struggling and i didnt have my life in order, couldn't make other people happy and couldnt even make myself happy. but things have changed...things have changed on such a grand scale. but ive gone through so many things in the past few months. dropped things that i knew that i didnt need in my life: people that hurt me, things that hurt me, and all the things that i had done to hurt myself. and i swore that now everything was going to be okay. i wasnt going to hurt anyone and i wasnt go to hurt myself. i was tired of running around in circles, because it was like a cycle. almost some sick kind of joke, but i played it on myself. and its been so long, and now its all over. im tough, maybe not strong, but im tuff. im tired of games, and i know what i want. maybe i dont have it, but i do know how to get it, im trying to be happy and im trying and trying to get everything together and im working for it. and i know that someday soon ill get there.

and i wish that you could see that im tired of hurting you. i really dont think that you realize how much i care. and i know that you'd say to me, that maybe its my fault because i dont show you....but i think i do and maybe you just haven't been looking. dont even know. it hurts me because you think that im the same person that i used to be. and god i hope not because id like to think that im still moving forward, not standing still or falling far...two steps behind.
you dont cut me any slack...because every action, and everything that i place back...i dont think that its fair to hold people accountable for the past. and when you still have me back in your can u see me as how i truly am?
i know that you dont know how i feel. (maybe) that i love you and that i would do anything for you?
"look, i dont know about you, but i really believe theres one person out there for everybody. Thats what this is about. not just some sappy love letter telling you how my heart stops everytime i see you. ive been there. theres this really amazing person inside of her that no one even bothers to see.
no more desperation,
no more desperation,
no more crying inside,
no more cry myself to sleep at night"
~Red Roses for a Blue Lady
i cant think of a thing i'd rather do than get my heart broken by you
i was thinking
that if someone
to criticize
something about

wouldnt know what to say
are too
much fun
im feelin really lonely today
like u kno when u are .this. close to crying
and ur throat hurts so much
but u could get that kinda hurt from laughin too
which is what we used to do
but now its become kinda awkward..
i hear about weekend sleepovers and 5am cigarettes
and i miss having a best friend
while some chick from jersey is up in boston
spendin all my time.. makin all my memories
and im sittin on my bed..
surrounded by pictures tryin to piece back last year
-all for nothing-
cuz that's not comin back
college changes everything.. i dont appreciate it much at all
i miss having somebody who would have done anything for me
and i miss carin so much about somebody i'd do anything for her
n now the tears started..
washin away this weekend
but all my life ive been taught different things
my moms the best.. shes loving and very emotional like me
but my dad and all that nonsense about not defending my emotions.. not being angry
and not talking about my feelings
so i take a deep breath and wipe away my sadness
close my eyes and smile big
and pretend nothings wrong..
cuz everything will be back to the way it was
from best friends to better left unsaid.
from lust to like to love to like to nothing that starts with an "l".. perhaps loathe?
from secret profile messages to eachother.. to secret messages behind eachothers back.
from talking right when we got home.. to just staring at your screenname on my list... thinking if you're staring at mine, and would our eyes be locking right now.. and would you look away...
from falling asleep to you singing to me to falling alseep with nothing.
"do you know what it's like to go from spending nights with absolutely nothing at all? to place them high up on this pedistal and realize one day it's too talllll??"
but the pedestal was well deserved with talks of road trips, and busting out, and breaking hearts together, and <3s at the ends of each conversation, and love and loss and still we played checkers that night til 5 am and i won. and you laughed. and kissed me.
and yeah this isn't making maybe i should stop.. like jess said, there's always time for editing,.
but i still miss talking to him everynight until my eyes couldn't stay open anymore........why can't he just come back to me, i can't stand the way it is. roaaaar. lame
counting seconds lost like counting sheep (1,2,3,4...)
he said that i die every time i go to sleep
and i replied "well if you'd only get your eyes off me
i could wake up..." (5,6,7,8..)
<3 danielle.
its 413 am and i am the only one awake. nice and quiet. even my partner in crime's asleep.. its cold outside and probaly loney but i'm ok in here.. safe... its warm and i'm buried under this pile of clean laundry, folding and burrowing at the same time... 413....143...spent the night reading about poetry, and baby monkeys... he keeps sending me hearts and i have to wonder if they're sincere.. what he's after.. its the end of the semester. the thread on my heart bracelet is breaking, strand by strand.. i'm kind of afraid to lose it but can it be replaced? thats a dumb metaphor i think.. but its really happenening. the heart my mom gave me, that i wear around my wrist with gray and red thread. its really falling off, slowly, wearing down the way my tires do from 1000 nights of driving to see you...the way my thoughts do after a certain amount of pages read, a certain amount of words is all i can handle...maybe tonight i'll read until the sun comes up, until all the words are a mishmosh on the page and my adjectives become pictures... i liked the pattern outside our window today. snow, trees, and the leaves still coming through to give the ground a crazy texture. i started thinking about my camera, about photographing this and about how i have taken a million pictures of you that i never developed. i keep saving my film, as if someday i can develop these and it wont hurt... or so someday you'll see the beauty in these pictures i've taken instead of the criticism... so someday you'll see the beauty in me and ask for a photograph of me... my face... i wonder if people look at me and see the buzzing of my thoughts. the empty useless things that i cant get out of my head like the plot of my favorite book or the words to some catchy rap i was singing before. i have a lot of useless knowledge and i used to be smart because i could apply it but lately i just feel like an imbecile. cant get an intelligent word out. maybe i need to be snobbier.... i'm not what i seem, really... everyone seems to be misunderstanding or just assuming things lately... dont... remember the smashing, the "i love you guys" freinds. now its 434 and this seems almost done and my haystack of clothes has turned into nice neat bales.... a suprise.. and maybe tommorow will be like today and we will make forts and watch kid movies and read poetry.. what could be better? a few things.. daydreams... when i allow myself to dream.. i dreamed last night of action heroes and old freinds... but my daydreams are of forts in warmer weather and best freinds and hugs and sandy feet. i never mind sand in my bed because it reminds me that it must be summer... its always summer somewhere. or as the tag on that shirt i stole from him says.."its always summer inside"... what we say, every time and it never really is.... if i'm the one breaking hearts how come i feel so empty? i really cant explain... i never wanted to break your heart, i wonder where you are now and if you saw me would we talk ? would you could you smile at me? i'm sorry but i never thought i was important enough to break anybodys heart.. my hair is the old princess way today.. every summer boy i ever had messed it up.. it would stand up and be makeout hair and i would have to look all over to find even half the barettes i started out covers are really heavy and warm.. the same way that everyone i know gets when they go to sleep.... and now its 443.. i think this is finished, or perhaps it should have never even been written.. we can always review revise in the morning i suppose... sweet i lay me down to sleep......
"The country of dreams has its own geography.
Anytime i enter it, i recognize the same vectors of direction,
bearings of roads in the mountains, the way you have to turn
in order to come upon the proper street. Not a repetetion of
the same details, for they change but as it were an encoded
spatial memory. yet taken from where, what landscapes once seen
it is difficult to tell."
sometimes we have to fall apart before we come back together

Friday, December 08, 2000

driving tonight
seeing the train starting off
& speeding down the train tracks that would soon be above my head
we rushed to get their on time....
based on silly supersition
its like we felt that maybe if
we could do one small thing....
one small thing.... so insignifigant
we'd be invincible
but then i learned what invincible really was

feeling 5,000 things at once
my emotions are scattered like
pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that dont
seem to fit together
2 of the smallest minutes
s t r e c h i n g out
and feeling like 3 hours
and bit by bit everything comes together
and everything i experience after is like nothing ive ever felt before
im dreaming and its not real
it feels like its someone else's life that im living
(p o w e r)
and it feels great
because all these pieces....
everything ive felt tonight...
is something that i want to be a part of me
**r u s h**
for the first time, its something so pure
and i no longer need anything else

and as we drove home
i felt closer to you
and i felt closer to myself
we laughed and i joked
and i almost didn't realize....

the train tracks that would soon be above our heads
but this time we didn't rush to get there on time
this time i felt more powerful than the train
we both had smiles on our faces
no words need be spoken
it was closure and everything was going to be okay....

Thursday, December 07, 2000

written by my friend bexy <3
Sleep Deprivation

It's 11:36
So if i fell asleep right this minute
i'd get a good 1 2 3 4 5 6
7 hours of sleep
but that's not likely to happen
with the feeling of three cups of coffee in my
brain and on
my breath.
I've got better things to do
Like stare at a box
with beautiful camouflage
and musical acts!
Where hair is gelled to perfection
and your bag matches with your
dress matches with your
eyes matches with your
shoes matches with your
fingernail polish matches with your
even though your eyes are colored contacts
your fingernails are pressed
and you and your date broke up three months ago but
don't want to make it public yet and they all just
match so perfectly with your
Barely there skirts and Armani suits
would like to thank god
thank their agent
thank their 4th grade teacher for giving them that
Gold star and scratch n sniff sticker on
that spelling test
But forget to thank their wife and kids.
They parade around a stage
Like court jesters in a minstril variety hour.
But before my head can inflate on hollywood silicone
i'd like to thank god
There is a commercial break.
Instead of waiting after these messages
To watch trophies who smile too much
and spend too much
and influence my life too much
Awards shows causing sleep deprivation
And instead of flipping between
Reruns of Welcome Back Kotter
And beanie babies on the shopping network
I've got better things to do.
Like sleeping.
Even though i won't win any awards for it
Or be interviewed on Letterman
Or be sold for $59.99 plus shipping and handling
Or become the cover of tabloids
That feed my ego even more as i get publicity for
suing The Enquirer

I'll strive
To sleep
For 1 2 3 4
5 good hours
and hope my dreams tonight
are more... satisfying
than the ones that mock me through my satellite dish
and transmit
to my frontal lobe
in envy.

my viens rush rich with blood that craves poetry
sitting in my little corner
cuddled within myself
supposedly watching a movie
(intensly dramatic)
my mind wanders
(thoughts of my own drama)

the room is warm and sunny
rays of sunlight from the
setting sun flood inside from
the half open blinds
i squint my eyes
attempting to create my own sunset
through the slits of my eye lashes
i can see little rays of rainbow light
light that is bending in all different directions
i start tilting my head
and as the sun continues to set,
the light begins to reflect all over
creating different patterns

(very suceptable)
when im alone my mind never fails
to wander
imagining, dreaming and constantly thinking
im remembering the crack on the windshield
i was driving her car last night and all i could
see out of the corner of my eye was the
swirls of light reflecting off the crack
i remember the crack i had in the windsheild
of my car
i would always drift off and stare at the patterns
that the light made
while i was stopped at red lights
(start....stop...begin again.....)
no matter what it would always bring me comfort

so here i am again
lost a g a i n in my own sleepy
watching the light and allowing myself to create...
* m a g i c *

the sun finally sets
and there is nothing left for me
to stare hopeful and wide-eyed at
(no more sunlight)
the movie continues on
and my heart sinks alittle

i should turn back and watch the movie
but im just thinking about how small things
can make me happy
and i wonder....
why do i have this fascination with the light
finding beauty in it that no one else does
(brillance....a g a i n)
maybe its just because i associate sunlight
with happiness


and seeing you shine makes me smile
i wish i could give to you everything that
you make me feel
(sweet and *r a d i a n t*)
forever putting a smile on my face
i dont even think you realize it
you *g l o w*
disclaimer: this is old :::
i'm thinking i should just get my mouth sewn shut. my hands cut off. no more communication. it just gets me in trouble and i fight with everyone until my head feels like its going to explode.
YouSmell: winter, doldrums, i am lost among the...piles of blankets on my bed. its too shivery to walk anywhere and its too cold for my frozen fingers to write for you... i am uninspired i say, and giggle. cuddle closer into my empty warm bed. where i dont need to scribble, or fidgit. its warm here. lazy, and i like to pretend i'm hibernating. but that is why i cant write. because i'm hiding in my bed.. i need to get out and run around on the cold cold brick and the bare trees and the hard frozenesss of a ground with no snow.
ehh. i dunno. needs work.

long road
bound for boston
lost in a sea
of red
for hours on
stop lights
warn me of my fate
as i approach
once again.
Big Citco
flashed brightly
over the cold busy
as the Northstar does
in every other
but here.

here nothing is real.
a replacement for all
has been found
and lost among
the fake
i secrectly hate my life
wanting nothing
than happiness(fake)
running into my breath
and honking horns
and chaos
i found the place
as it was
last week
hours of nothing
sat patiently for me
to arrive
and once they were
gone i was off.
but now w/ her
all bundled up
to shelter the world
from the cold heart
with in.

soon enough
arguments grew
from our words
and grew and grew...
already i had
driven this same
road many times...
right along side
the Green Line's
(everymorning my father(nothing)
would take them somewhere...
but where?
if only
he love(nothing)d me
i'd know)

scolding me
conjours up
never to
be mentioned.
for they awake sadness and
dark angels
in minds
And that she never love(nothing)d

chill already frozen
all was still.silent.
except for hateful

and then it happened.
after months
of torture and
control i saw it coming.
c h a n g e.
parked in
neverending lines of
never wanting to see
me again
she stepped into
the fake
boston air.

and off i was
once more
nothing ahead of
but home
and the
rest of

Wednesday, December 06, 2000

i'm so tired i cant get to sleep and the squeaking of the bed is right in time with the song that's repeating in my head. i just want you to know ..when i do it i only think of you...*
"dont take it seriously...
if you dont take it seriously
you'll never get hurt
if you dont get hurt...
then you'll always have fun...
and if you get lonely
go home and hang out with your friends"

the same friends that love you so much
and will always be there for you ;)
[12/5/2000 11:13:21 PM | XOjessXO SadderStar]
i would like a boy...
who is a little bit rock star
and understands how i feel
is skinny
and a little tall
knows how to argue
without hurt feelings
who smiles at me
wears cool shoes
doesn't mind if i borrow his clothes
and sometimes steals mine
- just because they smell like me-
he has to understand the
*my bed is too big without you*
would drive hours to see me
loves animals - does not eat them
will teach me how to
hardcore dance
and will only laugh at me
a little bit, when i
look silly doing either.
is tuff
and goofy.
makes me laugh,
writes things
takes pictures of me and
lets me take them of him
lets me sleep on the inside,
takes away and wears my starmoon ring
or one of my bracelets
reads books
knows about things -
especially music - but
isn't a snob
likes cartoons
does silly fun things -
like fireworks
and road trips
takes me to the beach,
makes me eat food that he cooks for me
and cooks with me
who doesnt always want me to go to his house
he likes my dog
gets me a kitten
shares my
dreams of
warm weather,
best freinds, wood floors,
skylights, bookshelves,
rescued animals and
surfing early morning.
falls asleep after i do,
and wakes up a few minutes
after me, so i can watch him for a little.
who has plugs (not too big) and
not a lot of body hair.
likes to stay up all night with me
says "sweet dreams"
tells me stories,
every time i ask, and even without asking sometimes.
asks me to marry him when he finds out
my secrets.
is sometimes sensible,
and will drive my car,
so that i can sleep
or play with the radio.
i want a boy
who calls me
just to say hi
or goodnight
or "just wanted to hear your voice."
i want someone,
who misses me when i'm not around
and is happy when i am.
i want someone who's
day will be made
just because i'm there.
i want someone who loves me,
and wont stand me up.

there is a ladybug living in my room. she always flys onto my monitor when i am typing. yesterday she spent an hour examining the plateaus of the keys on my cell phone. i worry about my ladybug. will she starve here? be lonely? probably. should i let her go outside? i dont think she'd live, its so bitterly cold out, i cant imagine something so vivid red and alive outside now. there is nothing but blue gray and cold outside my window. where would she fit in? ladybug, ladybug, fly away home...

Tuesday, December 05, 2000

I want to go to legoland... who is with me on this one?
... roadtrip


not away.. here
in clear eyes
i saw
frost blankets sparkle
and i wish
on holidays eve
all you get coal...

...this is what its like to be me...
i am tiny.. yes
no need for reminders
i am tiny yes
i dont need to hear it
but, you point it out
i know i am not
as tiny as you are

Monday, December 04, 2000

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December
I am alone
Gazing from my window
To the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow

I am a rock
I am an island

I've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need for friendship
Friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.

I am a rock
I am an island

Don't talk of love
Well, I've heard the word before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber
Of feelings that have died
If I'd never loved,
I never would have cried

I am a rock
I am an island

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no-one and no-one touches me

I am a rock
I am an island
And the rock feels no pain
And an island never cries

How the elephant got its trunk
A time ago in a land far far far away roamed magnificent creatures known as elephakes. They grazed the land happilly with their mouse like demeanor. In that they almost resembled a mouse except that they were the size of 50 men. They had stumpy round noses and gigantic ears. They walked very slow footed and every step was an earthquake. Still they were a very gentle a creature.

One day one of the elefakes made its daily trip down to the watering hole ( At least thats what they called it was truly a swamp). The elefake was taking a refreshing drink when all of a sudden an aligator sprang from the water and attached itself to the stumpy nose of the elefake. The alligator bit down hard and the elefake in far tried to pull away. It pulled and it pulled. The elefake so worried about getting free from the alligators grip it didnt realize what was happening to its nose. It was strtching longer and longer with every tug. Finally the elefake pulled free and ran as fast as it could. When the elefake returned all the elefakes stared with envy. The elefake no longer had a stumpy nose bbut a magnificent trunk that could pick many assorted things along with the ability to now feed itself. From that day forward all the elefakes called the priveledged one the elephant. And elefakes would be called elephants forever
I used to spend every night wishing to the stars
For the girl who'd rescue me
Tonight I pushed the envelope a little too far
And let the pedal sink past my feet
My fingers glide across the keyboard so light
But heavy they feel regretfully
I hope that these words can show you my true side
And that I am truly sorry
"sun shines, and leaves blow, and my hope, like autumn, is turning brown. i know it seems like i'm always falling down. but it does not matter to me, although it seems like it should. its because i know i'm understood when i hear him say 'rest in me little david, and dry all your tears you can lay down your armor, and have no fear, cause i'm always here when you're tired of running, i'm all the strength that you need.' its upheld both ways. tommorow i swear i wont act this way. i know its seems like that is what i always say, but it does not matter to me, although it seems like it should. its because i know i'm understood when i hear him say 'rest in me little david, and dry all your tears, you can lay down your armor and have no fear, cause i'm always here when you're tired of running. i'm all the strength that you need."


they say that things can fly
so can i just lift me up...
**the casket lottery**
*i know that i should be asleep,
but i can't tell the difference...
because im always dreaming*
Friends are angels who lift us to our feet
when our wings
have trouble remembering how to fly."
"Don't frown, because you never know who's
falling in love with your smile!"
If you love someone, put their name in a
circle, instead of a heart, because hearts
can break, but circles go on forever
"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller
buildings, but shorter tempers; Wider freeways, but narrower
We spend more, but have less;
We buy more, but enjoy it less.
We have bigger houses, but smaller families; More
conveniences, but less time;
We have more degrees, but less sense;
More knowledge, but less judgment;
More experts, but more problems;
More medicine, but less wellness.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned
to make a living, but not a life; We've added years to life, but not
life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have
trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; We've
cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; We've split the atom, but
our prejudice. We have higher incomes, but lower morals; We've
long on quantity, but short on quality.
These are the times of tall men and short character; Steep
profits and shallow relationships. These are the times of world
but domestic warfare; More leisure, but less fun;"

alittle magnetic poetry....

bits and pieces of bliss
your sweet love came
and carried my heart away
it flew off with your brillance
gone away with an angel
*right when i wake up in the morning
you are the first person that pops into my head
and i keep on thinking about you
over & over*
--the wedding singer--

Sunday, December 03, 2000


it just ends here.
after all these many miles
the road just stops.
walking by the bank i remember
cops rushing in
guns drawn
and news that nite.
all while big
citco wathced
over kenmore
and i was
here only for a cookie.
and long drives home
without you.
dear psycho girl.
you know who you are. please get a life. stop messing in mine. there is no need for you to read everything that i write. especially since it has nothing at all to do with you. i'm not going to stop writing. and i'm not going to change my adressess again. so just fucking deal. stop reading my shit.
this is the part of me that needs medication
this is the part of me that believes in heaven
this is the part of me that thinks outer space is all dead
this is the part of me that wishes i was with it
this is the part of me that's trying to be funny
this is the part of me that loves my parents
this is the part of me that thinks that ants are cavemen
this is the part of me that thinks all humans are ants
this is the part of me that learns from sitcoms
this is the part of me that means nothing.......
and i don't know at all
..left all my kinda parts rusting and peeling
that guy was complaining as he looked at the ceiling
[my nose isn't that big.. it looks nothing like me]
we're all doctors trading sadness for numbness
grass looks much greener but it's green-painted cement
mayors and machines.. now they're cleaning the pavement
you can't make dirt clean so we'll just lemon scent it
i lose important things.
i lost my college application, my
english notebook, my
favorite pair of shoes (only
the left one actually)
and i lost you
two nights ago
when the moon decided to get me back
for wishing on the stars all those nights
and not on him.
revenge by my outerspace enemies never felt so...
our sweet sleepy goodbyes always make me want to write
i want to write my name in the sand and dot the i with a star
i want to do 1000 sweet movie inlove things for you
i want to spray paint our names on the sidewalk near your house
i want to hold a boombox playing our song outside your window...

(i dont think its done yet...)
ok, so. the old tell me a story is basically dead. thats because i am a dork and i accidentally deleted the administrator username, and so therefore i could never archive the page or change settings or anything. thats pretty much unfixable so it was just easier to get a new blogspot name. hey, i'll admit when i messed up. i messed up.
so here it is. bedtimestories dot blogspot dot com. tell your freinds. please!!
i moved all the old posts from the origional tell me a story. they're going to be in italics just so we can differentiate. other than that, let me know about anything. if you know anyone that you think would be interested in joining our little community project, let me know and i'll invite them to be part of the team.
ok !
[12/1/2000 2:28:02 AM ]
"she gave me a pen. i gave her my heart, and she gave me a pen."
*say anything*
[12/1/2000 3:32:34 AM]
*would i be out of line, if i said that i missed you?*
[12/1/2000 3:59:23 PM]
it would be heaven to see your face everyday.
[12/1/2000 7:49:20 PM]
if hearts were on sale at k-mart,
i probably would not buy one
not even on sunday after i got paid
because all they do is
break, and
beat, and
beat blood,
and who needs blood when there is no one left to share it with.and so, on that day when i walk into k-mart, and i look to my left and see that rack of hearts and that red and white 50% off sign,
i will walk right by it
and go purchase myself a spine,
even if it's full price.
[12/1/2000 12:04:40 AM]
i want to live in the city with no friends or family. i'm gonna look out the window of my color tv. i will remember to remember to forget you forgot me, i'm gonna look out the window of my color tv... . .
d a n i e l l e [***] k i t t e n k i l l
[12/1/2000 12:21:26 AM ]
~* you're nobody 'til somebody loves you. you're nobody 'til somebody cares. you may be king. you may possess the world and its gold...but gold wont bring you happiness when you're growin' old. the world is still the same you'll never change it, and sure as the stars shine above. you're nobody until somebody loves you. so find yourself somebody to love.*~ frank sinatra. ohhhh yeah.
[11/30/2000 6:06:08 PM]
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pur whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
in there.there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
and we sleep together like
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
(Charles Bukowski)
[11/30/2000 4:47:11 PM]
the phone rings and i know it could only be one person. i answer. i smile. this is what makes me happy.
[11/30/2000 4:59:42 PM ]
x26xmufasa: yo wanna be part of my crew ? it's called "kittenkill" it's from a charles bukowski poem.. and all you have to do is be really proud of it and write kitten kill on's not killing kittens hehe so don't worry...
the poem is : true revolution comes from true revultion , when things get band enough, the kitten will kill the lion...

[11/30/2000 6:02:51 PM]
8 count
from my bed
I watch
3 birds
on a telephone
one flies
one is left,
it too
is gone.
my typewriter is
and I am
reduced to bird
just thought I'd
let you
(Charles Bukowski)
[11/30/2000 2:18:02 AM]
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go
There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Bye bye.
[11/30/2000 9:55:43 PM]
~*you tear me down.
while you build walls around yourself to keep me out.
how could i ever like these things about you?
you made me feel special.
out of all those that adored you,
you chose to have me by your side.
it was inevitable we'd fall.
i knew you would find someone else
to fit your perfect mold in your ignorant world.
im sorry my blood doesnt run cold,
or i could have held out longer.*~
[11/29/2000 2:12:59 AM]
its hard to realize
that no matter
how hard you fight
how hard you love someone
they can not care
when you're upset...
you can never make someone love you
in the backseat
of my own car
the two people i care about the most
in the front
and i'm lying here in the back alone
you were with me here weeks ago
what happened?
i'm thinking bout how hard
i would have to press
to make myself bleed
and i dont wipe these tears
off my face
even though they bite my cheeks
maybe you'll notice
understand how i feel
since words dont work anymore
hardly anyone cares...
[11/29/2000 3:59:41 PM]
. the long ago world of dreams that meant something.door slam and adam sings to me in my right ear making my left ear a bit jealous and consitantly interested as to what sounds come from across the way.. i stayed all day sober, imagine that. adam sings to me drunk, his rugged voice bleeding of alcohol. i'm a little intrigued onto what drink he feels suitable to introduce to his genious body ... and i want to be that drink, or at least the cup, or the ice cube that graces his lips. oh i want to touch you and see you and get your phone number and call you and sit in my closet as you sing me to sleep again... his melodies are making me wonder about the oceans and of insects and of love and .. how he sings my thoughts. he sees them right through my ears. who says eyes are the key to the soul never sang into someone's ear after a long sober day. a day of walking and breathing and longing for these 3 minutes when adam decides to awaken me and tell me his fairy tales that i always believe. and the endings come like hell to an angel, suprisingly and full of doubt, as his lips leave me with a sigh. he's gone before i can even open my eyes again. and my right ear awaits for night to fall and for adam to finish all that he's started in me..
[11/30/2000 10:02:32 PM]
~*i sit here with a decision staring me in the face.
ive made this mistake before,
to make it again would break me in two.
how many times before i get it right?
i may never know...
because the risk of loss is scary enough to always keep me guessing.
i talk myself into corners
with no way out
for i speak of realization and appreciation yet i neglect these ideas myself.
im overwhelmed with guilt since ive been on the other side.
i know how it must feel.
when every whisper is a hopeful suggestion,
every smile is a possible returning gesture,
and every touch a wistful preamble to something more.
i dont like this position,
where my heart doesnt hang in the balance,
where i have the ability to crush someone else's in the palm of my hand,
and so i reflect.
i cant do it.
i wont do it.
i refuse to be something im not.
a broken heart is MY home.
now get out of my house.*~
[11/28/2000 1:10:26 AM]
Kristina Delong is a moron.
E is cool.
and monkeys are also cool.
[11/28/2000 2:11:17 AM]
Dont ever eat pork rinds, i dont know what the fuck i was thinking.
[11/28/2000 2:44:12 AM]
~*its like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. and other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. and all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means that you're happy too.*~
the perks of being a wallflower, chbosky.
[11/28/2000 12:28:17 AM]
~*you cause me to gush tears from my broken heart.
everyone has their flaws.
if im stubborn, you're ignorant.
we could have been so happy.
in the land of white picket fences and freshly mowed lawns.
you couldnt have shut your eyes tighter,
hiding from everything right in front of you,
hiding from me.
maybe im not your ideal but i love you,
and if thats not enough i dont know what is.
can i please have my heart back?*
~ -staci-

[11/27/2000 3:39:46 PM]
{some old stuff}
comfort of loneliness of the night
but then it always comes back to my feelings for you
lost within my own words
you're drowning in my promises
yet you fail to see all the faith that i have in you
i wont be taken on another ride
because i can't bear another sunrise
with that lost look within your eyes
<3 rhon
[11/27/2000 3:41:30 PM ]
a moment too good to be real
we're holding on to our own reality
as we hold on to each other
as you turn away
the moonlight catches the tears in your eyes
i pull you closer and everything whirls around us like
a dream....
if only you knew how i felt.....and i could show you that
everything's going to be ok
[11/27/2000 9:33:38 AM | rhon xo ]
he whispers softly into the night
and dreams of an angel....
an angel to carry him away from the world
the world which he has fallen so far from
he wonders wide-eyed why the world has turned
a g a i n s t
and again he glances into the sky
and feels like everything that he feels is like a dream
the love he dreams of is translucent

[11/27/2000 3:34:04 PM]
wise words of hendrix....
you have to forget about what other people say
when you're supposed to die, or when you're supposed
to be loving. you have to forget about these things.
you have to go on and be crazy...craziness is like heaven
<3 rhon
cant try to picture your face
only haunts my dreams
two thousand hurts later
and its still me
and a sinking ship
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world"
Oscar Wilde
[11/27/2000 3:14:13 AM]
the moon is always in the same place when i leave your house. and i glance up at it every time, and note how full (or not full) it is, as i pull your front door closed, as quietly as i can, trying not to wake you up. i always envy you that, that you are warm and sleepy in the bed where we were laying for the past hours, allready half dreaming. while i have to kiss you goodbye and then walk out to my car, staying awake so i dont crash and die on the way home. i always floor it. the whole way home i see how fast i can go. i dont know why, i guess leaving your house always feels like a dream. i dont think i could die coming home from your house, i'm too loved and sleepy and safe. safe because you always hug me and you're always warm. and because i always tell you sweet dreams. xoxoxJESSxoxox
[11/27/2000 9:22:08 AM | rhon xo]
distance means nothing to me...
it only makes me want to see you longer

[11/27/2000 9:29:17 AM | rhon xo]
truths lay in shadows
in the time between waking and sleeping
in a world transformed by moonlight
[11/27/2000 9:30:56 AM | rhon xo]
if you listen
he speaks to his poetry
filled with his hurt and sorrow
he growls into the dark
at the pain the universe brings him
[11/27/2000 2:32:44 AM]
alone i sit here nite after nite.
"what do you dream about?"
(words unheard)
somewhere faraway you cry your self to sleep.
wasting your life as i waste away in mine.
months go by.
till one day we just give up...
never will i hate you more than that day...
waiting for you.
peering out the window.
about 2 miles of oranges
and you never came.
fuck you.
"The longing not to be nothing is one of the sharpest hungers a human being can know."
Michael Drury
boy you hold me and
i am ok. safe in our
island paradise
curled up in a dream
you are an angel, sent to
rescue me from hell.
in my perfect world, that i dream about before i go to come to see me and you say that you never want to leave my side & will i love you ? and will i live with you forever? and i just smile like a fiend and the grin cant get any bigger and you hug me and giggle at how happy you made me, and its the cutest thing ever.
[11/27/2000 1:46:22 AM]
arriving just in time...
thoughts of hellos and goodbyes and hugs fill my mind...
never to happen...
the door opens and i walk in...
just to see you leave.
the rain just kept coming down...
till all the heavens were emptied upon us...
and in this weather no one would ever notice...
the tears i shed
for you.
and i.
and us.
lightning on the water
like love
storms my head
fast as cars
and i'm certain if i drive into those trees,
it'll make less of a mess than you've made of me
<3 rainer maria <3
[11/27/2000 12:14:02 AM]
(a tuesday in november)
arms are tired from holding this off
things dont get much worse
then when the leaves fall
(y e l l o w.b r o w n.and r e d.)
the life in them is lost
as was the life in her.they sky is cold
(with f r i g h t)
and grey
(with s a d n e s s)
days short and dark.
the world is dying around me,
withering in the Autumn mist
so tired are my arms.
so tired are my eyes,
who watch placidly as i fall apart,
caving in upon myself.
piece by piece.
memory by memory--day by day
[11/27/2000 1:38:39 AM]
id like to be the shoulder that you cry on
id like the be the friend you call when things are great
and i really think i deserve the chance to sit across the table
and tell you that i think you're wonderful....cause you're something special
<3 rhon
[11/26/2000 9:53:08 PM]
¤¤ she said "Sweetie you dont need someone
who is more fleeting than fall,
'cause dont you love those leaves?
Don't you wish the orange
¤¤....stayed forever....¤¤
and Crickets sang in the night all through winter?"...¤¤
a little saves the day...
luff ya~
i ran for miles and miles and miles
id walk for days to see you smile, just to see you smile....
[11/26/2000 4:51:35 PM]
its one of the coldest days of fall...the air feels bitter and im already feeling bad vibes
everytime i breathe my breath lingers in front of me, as if im being taunted by the night
nothing worked out at all today but im still trying to keep my spirits high
its only midnight and surprisingly im tired as fuck
im in the back, windows are open and im curled up in a ball trying to keep myself warm
my mind is wandering and my thoughts are moving faster than the car
'big pimpin' blares on as you guys bop your heads and argue with each other
over who is smarter, who has nicer clothes and who goes to a better school
i think to myself how much everyone has changed....nothing matters to you anymore
except proving to each other how great you have it and how much you've got
it drains me to try to keep up with you guys because i know that i dont have it all
and i will not join in your competions and try to be something im not...because i
know that i can be me, do what i want, and still be happier than maybe you guys
will ever be....because that's where i am right really happy and the more
and more i sit here, im realizing that what matters to you
most isn't anything that could ever hold value in this world....and its not my judgements,
maybe im the one that's changing....but driving in your fancy car with the windows down
when its 32 degrees "pimpin" your music, only to show 12 years on the street corner
how rich you are, and how mature you got, and how cool you are, i could go on and on
but i dunno but that doesn't seem like happiness or *power* to me....
if you took the time to really see what was around you, you'd see the pain in the eyes
of some of our friends....the ones who aren't happy who have been swarming in their depression
for days....but like i said, everything else like showing what Y O U have means so much
more than the people that you guys supposedly care about....maybe if you actually took
the time to ask someone how they were or give them a hug instead of thinking about yourselves
you'd realize the reality of what was really going on around you....i know its not my place to say
anything and point out to you what's really going on, so i'll just keep my chilly spot in the back
and continue staring out the window...and let you guys do the things that make you happy
that are so j a d e d
everyone else gets alittle tired....there's no one else in the street left to more
music but im stuck listening to the hum of everyone now bickering...everyone tears each other
apart, then grins and apologies are exchanged and everyone moves on....until minutes pass
and the car fills up with the bickering again...and the more and more i stare out the window,
my heart and my mind both someplace else....i wonder if things have really changed, or maybe
they've always been like this and im finally opening up my eyes......
[11/26/2000 1:56:26 AM]
(patienly waiting)
its been months since anything
good has happened to anyone anywhere...
and i still
dont know why
i call this home...this phone rings
she answers
leaves blow acoss my yard
pine trees dont die
like all the others
their sharp needles
penetrate the winters
cold heartwaiting for something to happen...
we all are
i'll just die waiting.
here in my bed
alone.what else is there to do?
when the lakes freeze
its all over.
youre trapped.does it have to be this way?
the skies will open up
and eat a mans soul.
but everyone still uses airplanes
dont they?wait till heaven falls on your lap.
lets see what you do then...*joshxxx*
[11/26/2000 1:59:03 AM]
emptiness in soul
flying everynite through my veins
see the storms; rain and all...
oh beautiful i hear you from my roof top
parking lot noise
scattered cars remain, vacant stores.
breaking the silence is the beauty
unforgetable heaven of a noisepeering down on my world i see you.
everything is you.why cant the things i write make
she sleeps.
awake i sit thinking thoughts
of nothing.
last night
your arms
i dreamed we were kissing
when i woke up
i couldnt remember
if it really happened
i asked
but you just smiled
and held my hand
some days you cant stop giggling
laughter over laughter
you never stop grinning at me
other days
i cant convince you to smile
you look so sad
eyes wider and brighter than usual
you look so sad
that i want to
rip out my heart
and give it to you
could that make you happy?
you broke my heart 593 times tonight
every word to someone else, every weird look,
every person that got a hug when i didnt.
every stupid comment,
every time i caught you watching me across the room. you broke my heart
and i didnt want to mourn for it.
i wanted to scream
and dance and punch things. when we left the show,
tainted love was playing in my car.
i wish you could put your ear to my heart, and hear how much i love you
<3 mineral <3
[11/25/2000 11:31:48 PM]
(july sixteenth, nineteen hundred ninty-four)
clocks change as snowflakes fall
like angels from heaven.
leaves wither away,
dying as she did...
leaving me here.
alone for a lifetime.
and they too fall,
mocking the angles...
downward into the ground where she lies.
where ever did she run off to that july day?
as soul parted from physical being.
how come i cant understand,
what it is they tell me?
refusing to beleive i still sit,
stare and wonder...
searching in my mind for her...
she has to be around here somewhere...
everyday that passes i lose more and more of her...
memories fade to blank nothings,
and the sweetest thoughts of love die.
[11/26/2000 12:38:44 AM]
(december dreams - wishes & fears)
heaven falling stars.
thoughts of you and i
kali catch me dear
i have fallen too far fast
blindly into dreams
spotted walls whisper
patiently i cry alone
dreaming december
driving you home
i cant decide
what i want to watch more
the road
the stars out of my window
or your face, asleep in my lap
i look out the window
wish upon a star
and then decide to look at you..
*i'd do anything for you
give you the world if i could
is that what you want me to do ?
bridges and bounderies
bringing me closer to you *
o u t
o f
r e a c h
[11/25/2000 11:07:02 PM ]
(wasted life)
disapear somewhere into nowhere with all sorts of things to do...
[11/25/2000 3:56:19 PM | Jess AndCo]
jess....remember, in ten years we'll go to ohio and steal cadillac's for a living....(we can go straight to florida if you like :) *rhon*
[11/24/2000 9:37:14 AM]
you cant febreze your lungs
"lost in you for days"
says the stereo
as i'm driving you home
40 minutes each way,
usually, but tonight i made it in 25
as i pull into your driveway you wake up,
haul your sleepy self off my lap -
you're so much warmer and heavier when you're sleepy.
you smile at me and mumble
"goodnight jessica. sweet dreams, drive safe."
and i grin and hug you, knowing in the morning
you wont remember saying goodbye.
i speed home
all by myself in my emptier car.
singing along to the stereo -
simon and garfunkel - my birthday cd.
"homeward bound, i wish i was, homeward bound, home, where my love lies waiting silently for me.."
shaking myself every once in awhile so i dont fall asleep
till i get back to my bed
where i can take off my comfy sweatshirt
and curl up
fall asleep
among my blankets
that are still kinna warm
and smelling like you..
[11/23/2000 4:06:00 PM]
i turn to you
like a flower turns towards the sun
and i turn to you...
because you turn me right side up when im upside down
and i know that your arms will always be open to catch me when i fall
=[11/23/2000 8:20:54 PM]
driving, early morning everything seems perfect
and the sky is suburban blue and so bright...
but could have sworn it was the coldest day of the year....
psst. I have a blogger board too..
[11/23/2000 1:21:50 PM]
i want to hold his hand
and climb to the top of the highest
...late at night
because thats our favorite time
and his eyes will light my way
and when we finally make it
i'll reach up to the sky
and borrow a star
and we'll play wiht magic
until the sun wakes up
and lends motivation to the early morning joggers
so we'll quietly put the star back
and he'll whisper in my ear
and i, of course, wil agree
and we tiptoe back to his house
and lose ourselves in each other <3
~ms bary
[11/23/2000 1:22:17 PM]
*each betrayal begins with trust*
~ms bary
[11/23/2000 1:23:01 PM]
~she wants to know shes needed
and she needs to be held tight
somewhere other than the night~
*a lil musical memory from ms bary*
[11/23/2000 1:31:25 PM]
three years my elder
college drop out
with a self appointed degree in girls
and new york city nightlife.
...he plays off my lust for him
and my desire for closeness
to confuse my naive mind, young heart
* * * *
we've been going at it for a year
on & off, periods of bliss & tears
he looks at me with sincere eyes
and a silly lil smile
and i cant help but to kiss him
to let his hands roam my body,
the willpower i'd walked in the door with,
evaporating into the winter sky
polluting the already dense jackson heights air
he holds my hand, guides it up & down
reading me like a book, knowing when to slow down,
when to proceed.
i know him too well now, though,
and with a sad sigh, i push away
reality taking control of my lvoestruck mind.
so i give him one last wistful kiss,
before we start talking. territory.
after a few minutes of conversation,
lack of substance,
i grab my pills and he smiles and walks me outside.
he leans agains tmy car, cool & collected.
i study him, heart racing
then i look in his eyes & see nothing
so i glance downward and bite my lip
then give him a quick peck on the cheek,
and he rubs my back.
"i'll see ya around sweetie."
i smile, world spinning, his voice ringing in my head
so i wink at him, blow him a kiss
collected myself, playing his game
and drive into the evening.
stars shining brighter, sweet smile pulling at my lips
till my head hits the pillow, hours later
to sleep, perchance to dream
to dream of sugar-coated kisses, requited love.
~ms bary
[11/22/2000 11:26:57 PM]
well i woke up sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt
and the beer i had for breakfast wasn't bad so i had one more for dessert
then i fumbled through my closet for my clothes and found my cleanest dirty shirt
then i washed my face and combed my hair and stumbled down the stairs to meet the day
i smoked my brain the night before on cigarettes and songs i'd been pickin
but i lit my first and watched a small kid cussin at a can that he'd been kickin
then i crossed the empty street and caught the sunday smell of someone fryin chicken
and it took me back to something that i lost somewhere, somehow along the way
on a sunday morning sidewalk
i'm wishin lord that i was stone
cuz there's something in a sunday that makes a body feel alone
and there ain't nothin short of dieing half as lonesome as the sound
of a sleeping city sidewalk
and sunday mornin coming down
in the park i saw a daddy with a laughing little girl that he'd been swinging
and i stopped beside a sunday school and listened to the songs that they were singing
then i headed back for home and somewhere far away a lonely bell was ringing
and it echoed through the canyons like a disappearing dream of yesterday
on a sunday morning sidewalk
i'm wishing lord that i was stone
cuz there's something in a sunday that makes a body feel alone
and there aint nothin short of dieing half as lonesome as the sound
of a sleepin city sidewalk
and sunday mornin coming down
-Kris Kristofferson-
posted by Tom
[11/23/2000 1:19:54 PM]
i was standing in the bar last night
mind astray
thanks to dark kisses & a lil bit of alcohol
and all of a sudden there was this
and through her eyes
her soul looked broken
and she watched me
g her
and smild a lil tear stained smile
reassuring me
so i smiled back shyly
sipped my drink
and danced another dance with my dark man
~ms bary
[11/22/2000 1:33:45 AM]
numbers change and days pass me right on by me.
unable to let go, i wait passivly in tears.
all of the promises made; broken and disregarded.
no love is worth what you give me.
each scar tells it own tale.
sadness grows with time.
and with time my heart dies. slowly with each stab taken.
wounds this deep never heal.
abandoned.given up on.accused.rejected.
where are all my friends now?
where have they been all this time?
close my eyes and run into nowhere.worhless...
this is my life.a life of lies.all of after another.
never did they really love me.
losing hope fast i shut my eyes once more..
dreaming of what is to come.
working things out in the reality i have made myself.
i have little to look forward to...
but that small bit of hope is what is keeping me going.
nowadays my thoughts are sparatic, replaying over and over like a broken record.
im losing touch with reality...
living in my daydreams.wishing to be lost among them.
wishing for things i know i will never have...
sadness grows with time...
unwanted, i wither away into nothing...
my heart dies...
i just want to know that it wasnt all for nothing...
spoted walls make my eyes wounder into the depths of my life
here i am lost, lost in the fading memories of the things i once had.
lost among what i have lost.
he's so sad...i want to help.
i love him so much. he has lost more than i ever will.
everything in life is dying...slowly
it comes to a halt. grinding away at hope.
replacing dreams with cold nothings.
stars shine bright for now,
but soon enought there glow will fade...
just like the rest of us.
[11/22/2000 4:13:07 PM]
i told my friends to stop making fun of this girl in my school just because she doesn't speak any english and just because she might not understand what you're saying, it doesn't mean she doesn't know. and they told me to get off my high horse and fall face first into the mud.

*sometimes i wish all
my nights were october, half
asleep under stars.*
<3 jess
[11/21/2000 8:34:17 PM]
she watches him quietly...warily
his chest rising & falling rapidly
venom seething from his eyes
she bites her lip & tries not to cry
...all she does is adore him
but the hate that spews from his lips pushes her away
shes so tired of him
of his vicious outbursts,
of his cold cold heart
but cant bring herself to let him go.
she cant hurt him the way he hurts her.
or the way his mom hurt him.. or his dad
he's used to being alone, thats the only problem
he doesnt know how to deal with love
but how much should she put up with?
his fits are growing less sporadic
more innapropriate.
tinier things set him off
she sheds a tear in submission
as he turns to her with puppy dog eyes
and she takes him into her arms
lets him kiss her, gentle at first
with growing desperation
another tear sheds with each article of clothing
and he ignores them as they lay down together
unity of their two bodies
painful pleasure
the end to another heartbreak
~ms bary
[11/22/2000 1:20:26 AM]
its 1:31 am again...the stamps are on the letters...all ready to be sent as cold winds blow though all those who venture out into the nite...casper make me cry...i share the things you think...looking for the same thing as you. seeking someone that really, truly cares, uncondtionally and forever...afraid to push away those that are left...and sad over those gone already...words fail me at times...falling just short at any hope of making world, at times, seems dark and cold like the october winds blowing leaves cross empty roads...but in contrasting moments the warmth of you heart comes through over long telephone lines, connecting to my heart. making everything fade away into the background...are you sure we havent meet before? somewhere? in some distant dreamy time?
[11/21/2000 8:28:23 PM]
~jackson heights~
he doesnt make eye contact with me
always movin', groovin'
nervous frenzy's funny between us
.i tilt my head.
and look at him with a half smile
... and he moves in for the kiss
to throw us deeper
into the already-too-awkward situation
but i just laugh & invite him in
our hands mold together
perfect fit
...almost perfect
until i remember his girlfriend
.silly stacey
so i collect myself
bite my lip
and think a minute...
i cross my eyes at him & scamper out the door
giggles echoing over my shoulder
~bary <3 ~
[11/21/2000 8:23:53 PM]
*drink by drink*
sipping away at reality
dollar after dollar
spent on drink after drink
a temporary twist on lifes silly games
games leaving us spilling tears
in the wake of heartaches & hardship
we know the probable outcome
spending the night, dizzy head
resting on the moist & slightly retched toilet seat
only to be awoken the next morning
same position
feeling like shit, lookin' worse
dry sticky mouth
pounding headache
smoke lingering on our fingertips
and in our hair
~mS bary
[11/21/2000 5:00:36 PM]
i got caught cutting class last week and said i was sorry.
because i was.
and i had to sit detention with a bunch of real tuff boys who kept asking me questions.
and i answered them all with my eyes looking down.
because i really didn't want to speak. but i did anyway.
i drew flowers and clocks and crowns in my sketchbook.
and after fifty minutes, i left and said goodbye to the dean.
and he heard me, but didn't answer.
and i cursed him under my breath.
[11/21/2000 8:26:24 PM]
*i miss you*
im sitting on the wall
feeling so uninspired
so i close my eyes & remember
when i felt happiest
sitting in this same spot
looking into eyes so familiar i felt they were my own
laughing, talking
sunset painting the sky an orange*pink
smoking away at sobriety
a routine once so familiar
dissipating quickly
...but changes it comes eventually
we try not to leave
nobody wants to say goodbye
but its rough when half of me lives 3 states away
and i put so much effort into pretending not to notice
that the tears come before i can stop them
so i have no choice but to sit & cry
but there are a few people
who come into your life & change everything
those are the ones that,
no matter how far away
are always by your side
so its you& me, kid
and no eternal award will forgive us now
for wasting the dawn
i love you
~ms bary
*"That merely proves you have no heart" she said. But her look told him she knew he had a heart, and it was because of that she was afraid of him.*
[11/21/2000 2:39:05 PM]
tonight i would wish for him
think of his magic
and smiles
remember heart beats
soft laughs
glowing nights
[11/21/2000 2:14:51 PM | Jess AndCo]
Tell me a story is a place for us to go to compile and share anything: poetry, stories, quotes, ideas, thoughts, dreams, etc. It arose out of the Purchase Midnight Vandals which was chalking anonymous poetry on the walls of SUNY Purchase, and Rhonda and I's nightly "tell me a story" bedtime tales.
so anyway, feel free to post whatever you want, you can sign your name or just leave it anonymous.If i didnt email you with the username and password and stuff, just give me an email ** and i'll send it right out.
blah blah
angry butterflies
thoughts of him make me nervous. butterflies in my stomach. i smile. the passing of the new year will be bitter. the butterflies turn vicious. biting my stomach lining. the tears come. i hate those fucking butterflies.