Wednesday, December 13, 2000

then pecola asked a question that had never entered my mind.. "how do you do that? i mean, how do you get someone to love you?" but frieda was asleep.. and i didn't know.

Tuesday, December 12, 2000

..its gonna turn into a ballroom blitz...
im giving hugs for christmas cause im pretty broke.. so whoever i wont see before i leave for home thursday *hugs* merry christmas, happy holidays, kwanza, channukah and so on and so on....*mwah*
.i'd like to stay a secret.
.like walking in the dark.
.if no one knows you.
.no one cares.
.then no one breaks your heart.
i'll pin my heart to my back so you can watch it break as i walk away.
dreaming about you. waking up. this morning. all i wanted was to fall asleep again and have you pulling glass shards out of my skin. out of my heart. all i wanted was to wake up and have it be months ago again. all i wanted was to have you hold my hand again, or smile at me again. is me living in an alternate universe where you its sane for us to be together and happy too impossible to wish for ?
if i asked you to marry me would you ?
sweet dreams
punk rock boys
shards of glass,
fell asleep reading a book about a raver girl.
and when i woke up there was glitter on the pillow.
dreamed about driving late at night with my highschoolcrush deep into the country, an old abandoned farmhouse.
owned by a hippie lady. i think she's our age, but she tells me that she's really a grey haired fifty, older than my mom. only once she tells me can i see the gray in her hair and the wrinkles in her smiley face.
she feeds us jam and yummy vegetarian food, we live in her attic and during the day play with her three year old son and write song lyrics with words like 'unfinished' and 'honey.'
her son is a baby hippie, he hugs everyone and we all finger-paint together. he is wiser than all the rest of us.
we sleep on a couch in the attic, under a collage of old friends. she keeps us a secret, like hiding from nazis.
my boy smiles at me and tells me stories until i fall asleep every night.
one day, weeks or months later, all tan and healthy from the country living, she tells us its time to pack up. we get everything together in a big hurry, like the secret police are coming, but its just time to go on the road again, we are part of her entourage now.
as we get into her bus, i worry a little because i forgot my toothbrush and the wax for my hair.
she smiles at me and says i can use my finger to brush my teeth, and as for my hair, she shows me my face in the rearview mirror. my hair, once spiky, roughly bleached and unmanageable, has grown down my back into a dark blonde, just like when i was a toddler.
see what love can do? she says.
we drive away and laugh as he holds my hand.
<3 jess
christian slater, righteous dude, skateboarder, saving the day again with your rebel ways. will you marry me?
now we're down to the end, and so many resolutions so many plans go right down the drain. its not over. it cant be over. i had so many plans that i didn’t even realize i was making. but now they're made and broken.
seasons come and then they go so fast when you're 16. wasn’t it just yesterday i kissed you on the playground, wasn’t it just yesterday you were swimming with me in the ocean, wasn’t it just yesterday you grabbed my ankle underwater and i knew it was you but i screamed and giggled anyway, just to make you smile.
I'm not angry, i'm just so lost and maybe you're a buoy somewhere, something familiar to anchor on to, some familiar old feeling of what life was like when i felt normal. right now i am drifting at sea and i think you know where a sandbar is, you know where the water is shallow enough for me to stand, and if its not i can always hold onto your hand or your shoulder cause you're so much taller than i am.
alright, maybe you're not a buoy, maybe you're just a boy who's just as lost as i am and maybe you’re trying to find something to hold onto too.
and its so cold, i wonder where did summer go, where are my golden days of surfing and fruit salad and shows? where is my best friend, where is all my ambition?
all i can remember is the water being freezing and you being so far away that no matter how fast and long i swam you were still far away. until you swam to me and that seemed easy, you had no problems getting to me but when you got up close you didn’t seem the same, you pretended to be a monster, and i screamed and laughed and then you smiled but it was a sad smile. i think in that second we both realized what would never happen, that the maybes were just too much.
and i'm half scared. scared of what, i don’t know, scared of you, i guess. scared because i still haven’t healed and i know that.
i can never tell when you're serious and i never know what to say to you, but you make me smile.
at the strangest times i forget myself. i find myself lost and i look around for your brown eyes. i find myself deaf and i listen for your laugh. i find myself numb and i feel for your hand squeezing my shoulder. our hands brush and it seems so much more than an accident and we both pause and stop talking and look at each other for a second but this is where it stops because we both know it could sweep us away if we're not careful. we both know that if we're not careful we'll end up lost and deaf and numb. we wish on a thousand stars and we tell ourselves we know exactly what we want. truth is, there is a crazy breakneck pace to every thought that comes plowing through my open mind and looking at you, watching you, listening to you makes everything slow down.
.......(im leaving).......snow has all melted.father on phones tells tales of trips&hes reapearing again to be gone soon once more.whatever will i do?heaven awaits me in her arms.only hours come between us now....)dreams are real and what is there now?( (goodbye)...
(four days till im gone
heading south to where you wait
in love with your eyes)
(here in dark silence
waiting for your precious voice
dreaming of your smile)

Monday, December 11, 2000

check out my blogger....
~*settle, you said settle. settle for anything and you're doomed.
my biggest fear in life is being mediocre.
we cant be willing to settle for anything,
especially less than we deserve.
we watch other people live out their dreams instead of investing in dreams of our own.
we should strive for greatness.
life is too short.
we must make it extraordinary.
never settle for anything less than extraordinary or else life will suck.
it must suck anyway but its better to suck with integrity.*~
-dream for an insomniac.

Sunday, December 10, 2000

..and it really seems..
.. that you'll always be on my side...'re my best side...
*¤ further seems forever ¤*

...have this wish i wish tonight...
i wish i could belive everyone is out to let me down, things would be much simplier.
i wish i could help you understand where i am coming from.
i wish i could understand your reasoning sometimes.
i wish i could put myself in a place where i dont care about anything anymore.
i wish i could be satisfied with my life.
i wish i could put my thoughts into words better.
i wish i could show you what its like on the other side.
i wish i could make everything better for you, for everyone cause i cant for myself. and i try.
i wish i could stop picking things apart and over analyizing them.
i wish i could stop letting these faults control me.
i wish i could show people that i care.
i wish i could participate in their lives but i feel shut out.
..i wish i didnt feel shut out of my own life....

(i am a mess) its not your fault...