Saturday, December 30, 2000

...Stealing is only a crime but betrayal of a friend is a sin. It' slike a crime is ana ct that when you've committed one the act is over and you haven't changed inside. But when you commit a sin it's liek you create a condition that you ahve to live in. People don't like in crime, they live in sin....

**russell banks**
from kristina
Basically people don't know how kids think, I guess they forget. But when you're a kid it's liek you're wearing these binoculars strapped to your eyes and you can't see anything except what's in the dead center of the lenses becasue you're too scared of everything else or else you don't understand it and people excpet you to, so you feel stupid all the time. Mostley a lot of stuff just doesn't get registered. You're always fucking up and thres a lot that you don't even see that people expect you to see.

Russell Banks
In the winter the snow keep reality like clean and covered in white but in the spring you see everything too much for what it is. When the packed ice finall melts it leaves all these deep potholes behind and cracks in the streets and sidewalks and the snowbandks make these huge puddles of black oily water. The frozen ground thaws and turns into deep much and sopp dead grass.
Nights are okay though becasue you can't see much and it's cold so everyhting freezes up bt during the day the sky is always this pale yellowish color like old matress stuffing. It makes a strange light and the town slooks liek its been through this hundred year war and everybodies forgotten what they were fighting abotu so its hard for them to get too excited now that it's over.
Russell Banks
***kristina*** everytime i look
into them my heart stops
and blood rushes to my
shaking hands and i stop
and i just start to cry
all over again
not knowing what to say or write
or do
and i sometimes think that angels would
have killed me off
by now
if i hadnt
but we will
see come
morning when all the sleeping children wake
to find their mommies dead
hanging from their
lovely swing sets
just in time for sunrise and
over newpapers
full of bad news and
slit throats...

i love
a m e r i kkk a

Friday, December 29, 2000

wanna disco?
wanna see me disco?
let me hear you depoliticize my rhymes!
/ one / two / three / four /
you've got what you've been asking for
yr so policy free and yr fantasy wheels
and EveryThinG you think
and eVerythiNG you feeeel
is alright
"the thing that sucks is that i'm still not dead" -the scholars
teenage angst
misunderstandings and miscommunications
false realities of lost love

*by: kim garcia*

sweaty tear eyed
screams come
out of darkness,
and penetrate orions
and visions
lingering even
(r e d)
water still
sea shell walls
stand innocently
as pools of red
form around
my cold
limp body...
life gone,
and nothing remains
rusty razors

Thursday, December 28, 2000

when i was little
i used to dream
about being an astronaut...
now i dream
about getting away from the world,
and i guess nothing has changed.
just when i start to think im ok
i start to cry.
do you really expect me to believe that you didnt know how i felt?
t w e l v e29

another year in my life
flashes before my
tear filled
frozen, my life
takes sidelines
the entire world
rushes ahead...
and i am left behind.
alone i stand,
as friends move on
changing convictions
and direction.
follow fashion,
but here im
the same
year after year.
holding strong to
what i belive?
or stuck
behind in my
own pathetic
whos is to know...
for now i remain
standing still
on the moving train
of life...
passing by so fast,
heading no where.
(all i have lost.
all i have gained.
all that i am,
and will be.)
what angels have
in store...
what death delivers,
and life
and lonliness grabs
hearts crushing
them into
a million pieces...
turning tears red,
and filling skies w/ blood
and the saga
goes on...

apology for assumption

written just for me...
of sadness.
never saw it coming,
but i now know
it was there all along...
nothing more than frienship,
or so i thought.
misunderstood motives
all i wanted was someone to
be there...
nothing more.
how was i to know
what rumors
and what thoughts are
saying in
their minds?
all along i
never thought to
assuming mutual
feelings were
in mind
(i A am S s S o H r O r L y E)
shouldnt have.
apologies dont matter.
i should have noticed.
actions fall short of breath
not meaning to hurt anyone...
looking only for frienship.
s o r r y for what i did not know...
for what i should not have assumed...
for being an asshole...

Wednesday, December 27, 2000

i was driving with my friend mike. we decided to cut psych and go to starbucks. he likes caramel apple cider, and i just like the smell of the place. so we went. he's driving. i'm singing to the juliana theory .. "i'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab itt....." he's talking to me about this girl. he loves her. he thinks he loves her actually. i'm not too sure on that. but she's got a boyfriend. someone she calls her "soulmate." (or at least it says so under marital status in her aol profile...) his name is matt.. her name is jamie. well, matt is away in michigan. for college. and jamie and mike are home here.. for high school. for something more than high school really. see, they've been having an affair. i feel weird saying it's an affair.. because we are only 17 years old.. but that;s what it is. matt is away and jamie and mike are sexing it up. well, matt is now home. he came home the night before our starbucks trip. and mike is dying. he is driving while dying. he can't even handle music. so i must stop my singing. he's dying and crying. he then asks me to drive cause he can't handle anything jamie told mike that it was over. she doesn't want to see him anymore now that matt is home. i've never seen him like this. i keep my eyes firmly on the road and try not to make any noise breathing. i don't want to hurt him. breathing, in the wrong way at the wrong time, can kill. so i keep it down and listen to him die. hearing a friend die, while cutting class, and driving 10 miles an hour in unnessesary traffic , is not fun. anyway. out of the blue he points at a gas station, and tells me sobbingly to drive in. he looks at me and says "all i really need is five dollars worth of gas." and nothing has ever felt more symbolic than that....
you know that feeling
deep in your stomach
almost like you're nervous...
but a million times worse?
that only comes
right after you've learned something
that just crushes you.
and you try to forget about it
to make the awful feeling go away,
but the harder you try
and the more you ignore it
the worse it gets.
so you wander around aimlessly
trying not to cry
because you promised yourself
you wouldn't cry anymore...
and as you wipe at your tears
you mumble to yourself..
"you don't play with people's feelings like that...
its just cruel."
my mom is always right.
and tonight she hates me
i'm a bad kid.
a dissapointment
never anything done good or right
nothing to be proud of.
my mom is always right
and tonight i'm nothing.
(if i fell in love would you catch me?)

Tuesday, December 26, 2000


soft porcelain angel
(perhaps eternity)
some away fathers never bleed,
never listen.
born here but forever
sometimes i just dont know what to say...
if only i could stop thinking
things wouldnt be so bad
looking for distraction,
i dance around my house
wearing my purple feather boa
feeling pretty...
and pretending im in a band,
but still the horrible thoughts
(of you and her)
tear down the wall
i so carefully built around myself...
to hide how i really feel.
i turn up the stereo
hoping to drown out my thoughts
but its no use.
if happiness is all the rage,
then why am i so miserable?

Monday, December 25, 2000

a distant alarm going off.
sounds like a watch hidden somewhere in my room
i'm hearing it
but i wont turn it off
it reminds me of him
how he once told me
if he held me long enough
our heartbeats would syncronize
bah bump bah bump bah bump
i believed him
because he knew everything

now its
havent talked in months
and i never listen to
heartbeats like drums
i had something good...
but the barking dogs distracted me...
maybe i was going to write about how hot it is in here
or how i've never liked christmas since my mom died.
or maybe i was going to talk about how useless i feel
when i am at home. how i feel like no one there cares about
me until they need something.
i dunno...
coulda had something to say about
how much i love my dad,
but how he doesnt give a fuck about me.
how he disapeared until my mom died.
returning as though nothing was
but where is he now?
last time i saw him i was being rushed out
the door...and now im here: ( <3 )
or maybe i was just gonna write something
about how whenever i look into her brown eyes i
feel myself falling into
love forever
think my heart burst open
that night
an hour in your arms
smile up close
& he never dreams like i do
i was the girl from a sunshine universe
with you beside me
together always freinds
best time
and they call me crazy
for my wishes


Sunday, December 24, 2000

YouSmell: love is better than long island
=( i dread falling asleep tonight.
wake up to:
another snowy grey day
by myself
thinking of ways to die
and who would miss me
listen to
my mother
talking - all i hear is
-picky habits-
-just eat it allready-
-out all night-
-cost too much-
-going to get in trouble-
call my freinds and i hear :
-leave a message-
-i care about you but...-
-its just...-
-stop complaining-
-my life is so much worse than yours-
-you're melodramatic-
-its your own fault-
i listen to all this and i hear:
-never the first or most-
-doesnt matter-
i look at myself and i see