Friday, February 02, 2001

..guilt..

and i saw a [young] man
and i saw a [young] woman
in front of me, greeting morning
walking down the stairs,
their feet touching each step
at the same time
both right, both left
[aware of my frown]
they held the doors for me
and they were no longer
s y n c r o n i z e d
some
thing good
comes from
this,
but i
ke ep
losing it

not even
remem bering
pic tures
of your
face
soaked our hearts
in gasoline(love)
the
match
is
your
c o n f u s i o n

spring comes and
so does rain
growing up
from dead are
flowers
that capture
moons light.
it's here that
we meet
between storms

and talk over
headstones
that only days go
by
and only no

one
would notice you
gone, or
i
hating every moment,
this bed seems
terrible
confined in
shells along
highways.

and
gas station dreams
never live up
to expectations.
winter weather
cries snowflakes
for lost angels
trapped among
razors
(lost breath...
rivers bottom,
floating downward)

white lines keep
us going straight
through till
roads end.
lost and alone
sit in tears and
dream
smiles(you)

Thursday, February 01, 2001

.....usemyslitwriststosignmynamewith....

winter makes my feelings quiet and it seems like the layers of "whatevers" are getting to much for me to move.

cut us both with the blade
that comes from a repeated
....i loved you....
no matter how cold it is outside
or how bitter the winter is
right now you make me feel
like i still need fresh air

i've told you before that you were always warm
i never realized what that warmth really meant
because right now i feel like i cant breathe
you suck the energy out of me
xyoung*
(rhonda)
~*a Chinaman
(Kwang-tse tells)

went to sleep
and
dreamed he was a butterfly.

later,
when he awoke,
he asked himself,

"am I a butterfly
dreaming that I am a man?"*~
-John Cage-
~*when Vera Williams first noticed
that i was interested in wild mushrooms,
she told her children
not to touch any of them
because they were all
deadly poisonous.

a few days later
she bought a steak
at Martino's and
decided to serve it
smothered with mushrooms.

when she
started to cook the mushrooms,
the children
all stopped whatever they
were doing and watched
her attentively.

when she served
dinner,
they all burst into tears.*~
-John Cage-
~* what if im wrong?
ive struggled and fussed yet my thoughts have expired.
i dont know what to do.
i dont know what i want.
all i know is that are a million different things spinning in my mind,
with not one any closer to being answered.
ive loved once before
and it put my heart in a vice.
the beaten and tattered remains are not confident enough to withstand this.
to overcome the pain again.
i wonder though, who suffers more?
me through my fear,
or you through your desire.
for fear can sink the greatest ships,
and desire cannot save even the smallest.
so here we meander
in our concrete labyrinth with locked doors.
forced to do nothing but bounce off our options
both positive and negative alike,
without reaching any final destination,
without a conclusion.
i know not the origin of our actions,
which makes it even more difficult to stop them.
can you know how to end without first knowing how to start?
i love you,
for what its worth.
however, i dont see the necessity in building a larger castle,
when we live in the greatest palace of them all,
friendship.*~
if i didnt hate everything i'd probably try to like you

Sunday, January 28, 2001

forget daggers.
his eyes were
full of
m80's
i will cry you a river and fill it with piranah
i would like to cut open every vein
and fill them with poisen
like your smiles once filled my head
***dead newengland winter***

drawing blanks
as
pens sit
idle
among stacks
of paper.
days get shorter
(sleep longer,
work more)
barely talking
as lips
move, barely
living as
hearts beat.
slowly hours
pass, suns
set, rise,
and expand
drafts bite
at barefeet.
radios send
the same message
day after day.
letters take their
time. and
i sit alone
watching it
all...
your hard times and her niceness make me want to stick glass shards in my eyes and let them work their way down to my heart. coloring everything in between black and grey and silvery. there is no emotion in silver.
i can hear your words every time and i'm looking at them now and i know you love me and i wish that was enough. i'm the fool.