Friday, April 13, 2001

Ok. Since nobody seems to understand. Let me tell you how shit is. I am fucking stubborn as hell. I will walk away and I will NOT look back because I would be losing and it takes me everything I have to not look back but I wont. All I really want is for you to chase after me though. And yeah I’ll probably push you away once or twice but if you just say “jess, stop being ridiculous. I’m your friend.” Then I will try really hard not to smile or cry, but I’ll be glad you did. . and I am fucking jealous. But I will never admit it cause I wont think its my place, no matter who I am. I could be your wife and I won’t admit that I’m jealous. I’m sorry. . I’m totally an asshole, but I can’t help it. . and I’ll be in love with you but I’ll never tell you cause I don’t work that way. I’m possible the shyest person ever. In fact I won’t ever tell anyone but Rhonda and that’s only because she’ll guess it and yell at me that it’s true until I admit it. Truly, I’m scared. No matter how much I like you, no matter how much you like me I’m still afraid to say something foolish. . so I just say nothing. I dunno, I guess that’s stupid of me, but that’s what I do. I dunno. . that’s it. .

Thursday, April 12, 2001

my only love sprung from my only hate

i wonder if i hurt people that loved me this much when i was going crazy . . that’s not to say that i'm not still going crazy. .but, you know what i mean. did other people just sit there with their stomachs upset, completely baffled about me ? . .

i don’t know. . my mental state doesn’t usually take itself out on my body . . i can’t even cry usually. . i don’t know what’s wrong with me lately.

i don’t even know if this is bullshit ! i don’t know ! argh ! that’s why this bothers me. i'd rather know what you were thinking, no matter how bad then just be sitting here waiting . .

ugh.

i hate this.

and i feel like i cant even be a good friend because i don’t know what to do. i can’t deal with this shit. . i don’t know. .

its really funny how your IM box on my screen landed right underneath the words "my only love from my only hate”. . death by shotgun is beginning to sound appealing with every new word from your mouth. . i hate you. . but only because you don’t love me and that’s the worst reason of all . .

you do this every fucking time. . honestly . . i don’t care anymore. i don’t even want to be your friend anymore. i don’t want to talk to you i don’t want to think of you i don’t want to see you. .
no more desperation. .
no more crying inside ..
no more cry myself to sleep at night

if only things were that simple. . its never enough. . i cant chalk this one up to simple coincidental mistakes. . . this cant be chance that’s just one too many...this one cant be forgotten so quick with a hug and a smile. . everyone always says i forgive too easily. . well i cant forget this painful frown. . i cant forget wet cheeks... "your tears are pearls". . .would my blood be rubies ? . . if only. . i'd be the richest person around. . this is eating me alive starting with my throat. . sometimes its the things i find myself saying that upset me 1000x more than almost anything you could say. . maybe because you've already said all the worst things to me . . . am i being fucking stupid? am i the girl i hate? probably.. .

ironically i was listening to an old CD i made before. . the last song ? "i hate myself for loving you"

my life is so fucking funny.

friendship never meant so little

and if I tell you I cant be your friend anymore, you’ll just be the better person and let me. . don’t you understand all I want is for you to chase after me ? you told me tears were for the weak but I wouldn’t tell anyone you weren’t strong if you would just cry once for me. . one tear for all the hundreds I held back is all I ask. . a hand in mine again. . can you find me ? stop me from feeling so lost ? . . .

if wishes were kisses i’d be back in your arms. . if wishes were bullets. . but it doesn’t matter cause they’re killing me anyway. .

Wednesday, April 11, 2001

opening the door with a solid punch
but the air is silent,
not even breath
circling,
[ as it does...]
still,
for the snap of the clasp
catching closed
Bare branches throwing shadows
on uneven earth
[o u t s t r e t c h e d]
before an advancing gaze
for a moment
each line
each curve
each arm
each body
carved in dark earth
dug out by the lash of light
exposed then racing against another shadow
until swallowed back into the landscape
at the snap
of a twig underfoot
and the journey of the victor continued..
crossing into headlight's stare
and startled by this glare,
spliting in three
[reminicant of sacred trinity]
as it advances.. slowly rejoining
a third of outline, a third of shade
and enjoined a solid
deeper than before
darker than words
[crisp and black]
fresh from the
typewriters ticking touch
but dissolving at the click of the door