through this pen my blood runs blue..

2002-01-06T20:20:00.000-05:00

if you find our city,
the less you weather the sordid town
by dirty subway walks
dreaming of a modern wonder
feeling gray and dark,
no night,
but gorgeous light

2001-10-30T01:14:00.000-05:00

we're two points collapsing
supercharged from the storm

2001-10-25T08:57:00.000-04:00

I love how you never
want to go to sleep
you fight it off like
a defiant child until
your eyelids get too heavy
and finally you drift off
into the soft arms of
a dream

2001-09-04T01:05:00.000-04:00

I asked you if you had a good heart
You answered "Yes, I'll never do you harm"

=w=

2001-07-18T22:20:00.000-04:00

1:11 and I wish to someday set things right
go out on a boat late at night,
wrap up in a big blanket
sit out on the deck and watch
the moon embrace the water's surface...
wake at sunrise, to finally be
content..
I want to live again, in summers
like those fireflies,
like this broad boat uncovered
and let out to dream by sea's edge
instead of hard soil..
summer sweetness doesn't dance
around minds like sugarplums once did
we all know sugarplums can only roll
and boats give you sea legs,
the smell of salt lingers on skin..
humidity breeds lucidity
and only then does summer dance
it dances for you

2001-07-05T17:21:00.000-04:00

"Once I took your face into my hands.
Moonlight fell on it
most incomprehensible object
under overflowing tears.

Like something docile, that quietly endures,
it felt almost the way a thing feels.
And yet there was no being in that chill
night, which endlessly eludes me.

O these places toward which we surge,
pushing into the scant surfaces
all the waves of our heart,
our pleasures and our weaknesses,
and to whom do we finally hold them out?"
-Paris, end of 1913 Rainer Maria Rilke

2001-06-18T01:31:00.000-04:00

it's hard to sleep
with miles ahead
bearing down on me,
and someone so intent on loving me.
who knows where my strength lies?

*rainer maria*

2001-06-04T01:38:00.000-04:00

it's the new millenium and nothing about it seems very futuristic.
People are still growing older, children still ride bicycles in the street.
Happy families are still alive in suburbia.
towns with old shops and mom and pop stores remain frozen in time.
Greenwich CT still remains without stoplights. Is the
crossing guard a sign of what is present?
the city remains bustling, a melting pot of cultures
always overbrimming with the daily influx of people.
it seems that for life everywhere.. there is no slow season

there are some signs of the past of course,
and these i can see from this dirty train window
Tracks, bent and scattered this way and that..
some buried some half surfaced and visible as
a token of what was
under bridges bubble letters explode with color
.. the graffitti of the future?

the facade of an old red church stands,
pinned down by wire supports perhaps, a sign of the past
. a snapshot of the way things were..
a moral beacon of holyness and time?
Jamaca station, cozy as ever...
platforms crying for repair..
stained by the footsteps of milions
the trackyard soon after.. looming silent like a
magestic mountain range and timeless in the same way

watertowers' omnipresent.
Pools of rain stills settle on rooftops
fences always keeping neighbors good neighbors...
powerlines standing at attention eternally buldings
and homes marked by antenae and satelitte
Steel cranes never seem to swing their arms anymore..
perhaps progress is halted by junkyards and billboards
and everpresent firescapes flash by because
we all know the subways still live underground

2001-04-26T00:22:00.000-04:00

maybe its a good thing that i cant remember your face without the photographs..maybe its good that i cant really think of how you sounded or smelled...maybe its ideal that i've started to forgot the way you said i love you, your voice thick with disgust, or the look of hatred in your eyes when you kissed me...i wonder if you would still think i was fat and annoying..maybe its better that i'm not the person i was then.. but i still read your letters and i feel every ounce of scorn you poured into them...i wish i could read them and see you as you really were, some sad scared depressed kid, but all i see when i read those words is me, how i was then, back when i still smiled..back when i would have done anything to make you happy and i tried so hard to convince myself that you really did love me, underneath the cruel jokes, the bruises, the hatred. . that i really was your "best freind" like you said...that i was worthy of all i thought you were....cruel words bred the hate that i internalized, and i'll always feel those bruises..

2001-04-26T00:06:00.000-04:00

i'm fucking drowning by myself. nobodys noticing, no matter how loud i scream. and every laugh from around me is just like your voice - it stabs right through my throat.

2001-04-21T21:52:00.000-04:00

when was the last time you moved three hours to seven?,
that was the last time but not the first,
crowds spoke in tongues,
foreign.. eyes
caught
fire...blazing
warm though alone
dont need you
greysweater and im better,
keeps this body warmer
greysweater, soft stand-in

stop sinking self in solutions

no better than the last time,
when three hours turned to eight
became part of walls...
paint flaking to the floor
become bark on tree trunks,
stiff.. protective

but soft as greysweaters...
soft and safe..
greysweater and im home
where three hours
become nine

2001-04-13T00:22:00.000-04:00

Ok. Since nobody seems to understand. Let me tell you how shit is. I am fucking stubborn as hell. I will walk away and I will NOT look back because I would be losing and it takes me everything I have to not look back but I wont. All I really want is for you to chase after me though. And yeah I’ll probably push you away once or twice but if you just say “jess, stop being ridiculous. I’m your friend.” Then I will try really hard not to smile or cry, but I’ll be glad you did. . and I am fucking jealous. But I will never admit it cause I wont think its my place, no matter who I am. I could be your wife and I won’t admit that I’m jealous. I’m sorry. . I’m totally an asshole, but I can’t help it. . and I’ll be in love with you but I’ll never tell you cause I don’t work that way. I’m possible the shyest person ever. In fact I won’t ever tell anyone but Rhonda and that’s only because she’ll guess it and yell at me that it’s true until I admit it. Truly, I’m scared. No matter how much I like you, no matter how much you like me I’m still afraid to say something foolish. . so I just say nothing. I dunno, I guess that’s stupid of me, but that’s what I do. I dunno. . that’s it. .

2001-04-12T20:47:00.000-04:00

my only love sprung from my only hate

i wonder if i hurt people that loved me this much when i was going crazy . . that’s not to say that i'm not still going crazy. .but, you know what i mean. did other people just sit there with their stomachs upset, completely baffled about me ? . .

i don’t know. . my mental state doesn’t usually take itself out on my body . . i can’t even cry usually. . i don’t know what’s wrong with me lately.

i don’t even know if this is bullshit ! i don’t know ! argh ! that’s why this bothers me. i'd rather know what you were thinking, no matter how bad then just be sitting here waiting . .

ugh.

i hate this.

and i feel like i cant even be a good friend because i don’t know what to do. i can’t deal with this shit. . i don’t know. .

its really funny how your IM box on my screen landed right underneath the words "my only love from my only hate”. . death by shotgun is beginning to sound appealing with every new word from your mouth. . i hate you. . but only because you don’t love me and that’s the worst reason of all . .

you do this every fucking time. . honestly . . i don’t care anymore. i don’t even want to be your friend anymore. i don’t want to talk to you i don’t want to think of you i don’t want to see you. .
no more desperation. .
no more crying inside ..
no more cry myself to sleep at night

if only things were that simple. . its never enough. . i cant chalk this one up to simple coincidental mistakes. . . this cant be chance that’s just one too many...this one cant be forgotten so quick with a hug and a smile. . everyone always says i forgive too easily. . well i cant forget this painful frown. . i cant forget wet cheeks... "your tears are pearls". . .would my blood be rubies ? . . if only. . i'd be the richest person around. . this is eating me alive starting with my throat. . sometimes its the things i find myself saying that upset me 1000x more than almost anything you could say. . maybe because you've already said all the worst things to me . . . am i being fucking stupid? am i the girl i hate? probably.. .

ironically i was listening to an old CD i made before. . the last song ? "i hate myself for loving you"

my life is so fucking funny.

friendship never meant so little

and if I tell you I cant be your friend anymore, you’ll just be the better person and let me. . don’t you understand all I want is for you to chase after me ? you told me tears were for the weak but I wouldn’t tell anyone you weren’t strong if you would just cry once for me. . one tear for all the hundreds I held back is all I ask. . a hand in mine again. . can you find me ? stop me from feeling so lost ? . . .

if wishes were kisses i’d be back in your arms. . if wishes were bullets. . but it doesn’t matter cause they’re killing me anyway. .

2001-04-11T11:01:00.000-04:00

opening the door with a solid punch
but the air is silent,
not even breath
circling,
[ as it does...]
still,
for the snap of the clasp
catching closed
Bare branches throwing shadows
on uneven earth
[o u t s t r e t c h e d]
before an advancing gaze
for a moment
each line
each curve
each arm
each body
carved in dark earth
dug out by the lash of light
exposed then racing against another shadow
until swallowed back into the landscape
at the snap
of a twig underfoot
and the journey of the victor continued..
crossing into headlight's stare
and startled by this glare,
spliting in three
[reminicant of sacred trinity]
as it advances.. slowly rejoining
a third of outline, a third of shade
and enjoined a solid
deeper than before
darker than words
[crisp and black]
fresh from the
typewriters ticking touch
but dissolving at the click of the door

2001-03-28T05:43:00.000-05:00

"every rose has its thorn"
(that's for sleepy jess)

2001-03-28T05:41:00.000-05:00

in this world, time is no virtue
in fact, it doesn't exsist
everything seems to fade away slowly
and our hearts beat in synch to the song of morning birds

2001-03-28T05:39:00.000-05:00

you send my thoughts off and running into a race that has no finish line

2001-03-26T02:10:00.000-05:00

sometimes you get thrown into perspective really fast. . .

...cry myself a blanket of tears...
(youandi, forever lasts a moment)

2001-03-24T00:50:00.000-05:00

and for the third time,
a chill.. skin rising
and i wish i could
look you in the eyes
because i feel this way
again..
and i want you to make
it go away because
i wont take that
from anyone..
im not your fall back crush
and hearts dont take rainchecks

so visit for me
just visit to visit
id visit for you

id visit just to visit

2001-03-22T03:49:00.000-05:00

smoke and haze surrond us
i wonder why im here
physically falling
mentally running closer towards the truth?
here's the world laid out simply in front of us
only covered by sheets of celephane
my world is hazy
constantly trying to pick through the wrinkles
in order to find a crease of reality and truth
we gaze at each other and fall back in our seats
watching this hazy world as though its on a televison screen
she says nothing to me
no words need be spoken
she sits back further in her seat
sighs
attempting to weave her frustration into momuments of fantasia
she begins to mold brightly colored strips of paper into stars
she craddles them in her hand
h e s i t a n t
closes her hand around them, gently but tightly
u n s e t t l i n g
trying to get a grip of something she knows to be real
i see the youth in her eyes
so lost and confused
wanting nothing but harmony
she reminds me of myself
and with that dissappears into thin air
leaving me with one image in my head
a little girl weaving crowns of flowers
as spider stimulateously weave webs of death
u n f o r t u n a t e fly
exit: girl with sparkle in her eye*

2001-03-22T03:38:00.000-05:00

themusic begins
my heart beats to the drums
my mind sways to the bass
the beats pick up and we prepare for our journey into outer space
he takes me on his space ship and we land on the moon
as we walk along, i realize how much there is i dont know
he makes me think in ways ive never thought before and it drains me
turning his gaze towards the stars
his eyes glass over, doused in gasoline
sparking as though they'd burst into flames of passion at any minute
he reminds me of the sun
(nothing vocalized)
our minds move in synch
his thoughts are like hammers beating on the edges of his mind
(intensity)
he tries to change the subject
telling me of all the places he's travelled to
d a n c i n g on rings of saturn, playing with fire
all the while, staring at his star
he yearns, wanting to be able to fathom its philosophies
"its all you ever wanted and its yours"
its too late for him to say anything to stop me
the universe falls to complete silence
reaching out, trying to grab his star
wanting to give him all i know he's ever wanted
entire universe
i fall out of the boundries of the moon
descending into darkness
downward and away from the truth

you always came out on top

2001-03-19T15:59:00.000-05:00

..if bicycles weighed nothing..
the moon landed
just a step ahead
on the
d a r k sidewalk.
it didnt shatter... or splatter or break
and i cleared my throat..
and walked away
taking one last look
at that kamakazee moon..
which remained
without it's full crescent
g l o r y
sullen
and
martyred
near the corner
of the street..
its glow had vanished
only white
r e m a i n e d
the moon died for me tonight
and jealous stars scattered
afraid to be
the next..

2001-03-19T01:05:00.000-05:00

broken hearts only heal when they start to melt again.....

2001-03-18T04:02:00.000-05:00

this notebook, filled with cards unsent, and poems unread, is not helping me at all..

i just wish i knew how to forget. . .

2001-03-18T02:42:00.000-05:00

"if you are from long island, it doesnt matter how baggy your pants are or how big your knife is, you are still not hardcore".

2001-03-12T23:34:00.000-05:00

i feel empty anywhere but in your arms. .

xoxox

2001-03-09T11:37:00.000-05:00

Never Crying Again

remember late night winter drives
the conversation always turned to
*When
(never if)
I kill myself..*
"I'll set myself on fire"
"Drown"
"Take her down with me"
mine never changed...
"I will cut my wrists in a warm bath"
with more thought now,
I have changed my mind
still slice my veins,
but in a waterfall
allow my arms and the water
to shed the tears i no longer allow

2001-02-28T15:37:00.000-05:00

if you are
ever
lost,
look up.
you will see my heart,
day glow
lighting up the sky,
for you.

2001-02-27T01:54:00.000-05:00

sunday, less lonely

*i wish to hear
you
again,
speaking softly
[as you do],
at the other end
of this cord
a n d
we can have mulitiple
farewells,
knowing they
wont
be our last
and i w i l l smile because
i know
you
didnt want to hangup
e i t h e r*

2001-02-26T16:29:00.000-05:00

yo checka checka - girlboy finally put up my submission
xoxo
jess

2001-02-26T02:26:00.000-05:00

beauty in light
random scenes
like dreams filling
my head

sparks, embers flying
an orange glow
becoming a comet trail
at 75 mph
speeding through
groundfog
thicker than smoke

fireworks overhead
lying in your arms
somehow i've become
the luckiest girl alive . .

-----------

ok i really was inspired when i started but now i kind of drifted off into beaing really sleepy soooooo this sucks, whatever. i dont care. pshhhh !

2001-02-22T14:07:00.000-05:00

dreamy winter days
trying to sleep but
no matter how warm my room is
my bed is cold, lonely, without
you
i plan to stay asleep until
its hot outside
and we can have endless days
surfing and road trips. .
our beds will always be sandy
and my hands wont be cold anymore
you can wake me up with kisses
. . poetry is in the possibilities . .

2001-02-22T13:45:00.000-05:00

..carry kisses in my pocket..

[written on a tuesday]
"these are the things you think about
in Wyoming at 3am,"she said, and
all the while.. he stood there,
stacking stars
taking turns, twisting words
writting letters for her,
making people...
arms crossed like martyrs
legs made of stiff corners
moth--er
tapping tips of shoes
against walls,
bored by wire mobiles
spinning... centered.. safe
"where was i?," she said,
"oh, interdependence,"
and a chuckle..

2001-02-20T00:27:00.000-05:00

what we are
is given.
handed down
over centuries
i am
n o t h i n g.
as are
y o u
nothing more
than a friends
hug;
passed on parents;
broken down
car
conversations;
and
starless nights
on
cape
cod.

2001-02-20T00:21:00.000-05:00


letters written
but never sent, 
someday to be opened
by strangers.

 
               sitting here, 
                        lonely


dreaming of you
in my arms.
wake up to darkness
and empty
blank walls
ive since moved back
home, 
while you were away,
i just feel deeper
more and more
w/ every word.

2001-02-20T00:12:00.000-05:00

(im starting a new career...rappin about killing people, esp. the slitting of throats)

i'll slit throats
and
break faces
running
thru yo hood,
best watch the fuck out
coz
im comin fo
yo ass
beeeyaaattchhh

*dedicated to all oppresors of life, and to those few people i hate*

2001-02-17T02:48:00.000-05:00

my daydreams are of forts in warmer weather and best freinds and hugs and sandy feet
always...is what we say, every time and it never really is....

2001-02-13T21:00:00.000-05:00

(i was hoping to fall asleep to your voice tonite...)

2001-02-13T20:46:00.000-05:00

unknown fate
lies far from
reach.
cold floors against
foreheads
give little
relief to
bleeding
of knees
worn down
in search
of false
hopes

a tear for
every mile,

for every
day,

for every moment
without you.

2001-02-12T02:54:00.000-05:00

"and i just want to put my head in your arms, and stay awhile. . . " (mineral)

2001-02-11T01:32:00.000-05:00


hearts abound
  cold
    empty
chairs 
around 
   dinning room
 tables
 awaiting
copmany lost
    over
      tea...
 changing leaves
   mirror lives
of
       lost
               friends
now only seen in
     fire 
  place
     mantle
  photographs


*empty frames
await us all....*

2001-02-11T01:19:00.000-05:00


    its been days...


 cant see snow
out windows
   in 2am
 dark skies.
it takes


   courage to write
it
       love to kill it...


pine tree tops
scream
 widly at starless
    air
could she ever
know?


   trapped indside
emotion,
this house
sense of nothing
i have
      become.


eyes 
     closed,
            arms
                  extended
      wide
          for
dropping
       tempratures
 and
     roaring
tree tops all
      unseen under
cape cod's 
      2 a m
   skies

2001-02-09T04:03:00.000-05:00

Rolling through the hood, just stopped by to say what’s up
Come to let you know you’re baby boy ain’t doing so tough,
Even though you past going on four long years,
I’m still waking up late at night crying tears,
Just thinking about those days you used to talk to me.....
Boy I tell you folks don’t know the half,
I would give it all up just to take on ride…
With you ...
Now I’m just missing you
How I Wish
I wish that I could hold you now,
I wish that I could touch you know,
I wish that I could talk to you,
Be with you somehow,
(I know)
And if I make it out this thug life,
I’ll see you again someday...
Ya’ll look at me and say, “Boy, you’ve been blessed”
But ya’ll don’t seen the inside of my unhappiness,
Man, I swear this shit gets heavy like a ton,
That’s why you hear me shooting this real shit off like a gun....
Dreaming of windows black, tinted like a hearse,
Waking up to life, sometimes it seems worse,
And all I ever wanted is to be a better man,
And I try to keep it real with my homies man...
Boy I tell you folks don’t know the half,
I would give it all up just to take one ride… With you ....
Want me to save the world I don’t understand,
- the best emo rap song - r kelly - i wish, to all my homies that are lost and gone - someone should know why this is important. . . she knows who she is . . .

2001-02-08T15:17:00.000-05:00

"i hate valentines day. always have."
"yeah, me too"
"know why? cause corperate holidays fucking suck! when i'm a dad i'll be pissed if my kids give me stuff for fathers day. assholes"
"fuck corperations. dude, you know matt from (mumbled band name)? he's got a fucking full body tattoo of reagan on his back."
"hahah no way ! that fucker ! hahaha ! thats fucking awesome. reagan. haha! fuuck!"
:actual conversation overheard today between two trenchcoated kids at purchase. this is typical conversation here.:

2001-02-07T02:38:00.000-05:00

just sum thoughts that i managed to write down and not forget:

Crumbled like ancient marble colomns, buried under to much thought, there love lies.

In a dream, home is when you open your eyes, in reality its much further away.

Like a fly caught in a car, im caught in her heart not knowing where shes taking me.

My finger is getting used to her ring not being there, but i dont think my heart ever will.

2001-02-06T02:57:00.000-05:00

...usemyslitwriststosignmynamewith... updated semi-daily lately. . checka checka

2001-02-06T00:33:00.000-05:00

i wondered if somehow i could say to you
"i never mean what i say"
you'd look me in the eyes again . .

if i never meant what i said
would that mean i never loved you ?
or just that i didnt mean that i dont mean anything. . .
argh !

2001-02-05T23:33:00.000-05:00

I hoped you knew me well enough to know that no matter what I said I never stopped caring. . .

2001-02-05T17:57:00.000-05:00

He was smiling an innocent amused smile, the smile of an anarchist sitting in the movies wuth a bomb in his pocket. If the people around him only knew what was in his pocket. In a little while he would leave to kill the President.
--miss lonelyhearts, nathanael west

2001-02-05T17:53:00.000-05:00

...i wish you cried not more than me but at least as much...

2001-02-05T17:52:00.000-05:00

And I'd walk away just to see you cry

2001-02-04T18:03:00.000-05:00

kodak evelopes
hold friends, and
memories...
left) behind
in tears and
raz(ors
dreaming
out my life

2001-02-02T16:20:00.000-05:00

..guilt..

and i saw a [young] man
and i saw a [young] woman
in front of me, greeting morning
walking down the stairs,
their feet touching each step
at the same time
both right, both left
[aware of my frown]
they held the doors for me
and they were no longer
s y n c r o n i z e d

2001-02-02T01:49:00.000-05:00

some
       thing good 
comes from 
    this, 
but         i
ke  ep 
     losing it

      not    even 
remem     bering
pic     tures 
of    your
     face

2001-02-02T01:41:00.000-05:00

soaked our hearts
in gasoline(love)
 the
   match 
       is
          your
c o n f u s i o n

         spring comes and 
so does rain
growing up
from dead are
flowers 
that capture
moons light. 
it's here that 
we meet
between storms

and talk over
headstones
that only days go 
by
and only no

one 
 would notice you 
         gone, or
i

2001-02-02T01:23:00.000-05:00

hating every moment,
this bed seems
terrible
confined in
shells along
highways.

and
gas station dreams
never live up
to expectations.
winter weather
cries snowflakes
for lost angels
trapped among
razors

(lost breath...
    rivers bottom,
        floating downward)

white lines keep
us going straight
through till
roads end.
lost and alone
sit in tears and
dream
smiles(you)

2001-02-01T04:11:00.000-05:00

.....usemyslitwriststosignmynamewith....

winter makes my feelings quiet and it seems like the layers of "whatevers" are getting to much for me to move.

2001-02-01T04:10:00.000-05:00

cut us both with the blade
that comes from a repeated
....i loved you....

2001-02-01T03:55:00.000-05:00

no matter how cold it is outside
or how bitter the winter is
right now you make me feel
like i still need fresh air

i've told you before that you were always warm
i never realized what that warmth really meant
because right now i feel like i cant breathe
you suck the energy out of me
xyoung*
(rhonda)

2001-02-01T02:12:00.000-05:00

~*a Chinaman
(Kwang-tse tells)

went to sleep
and
dreamed he was a butterfly.

later,
when he awoke,
he asked himself,

"am I a butterfly
dreaming that I am a man?"*~
-John Cage-

2001-02-01T02:09:00.000-05:00

~*when Vera Williams first noticed
that i was interested in wild mushrooms,
she told her children
not to touch any of them
because they were all
deadly poisonous.

a few days later
she bought a steak
at Martino's and
decided to serve it
smothered with mushrooms.

when she
started to cook the mushrooms,
the children
all stopped whatever they
were doing and watched
her attentively.

when she served
dinner,
they all burst into tears.*~
-John Cage-

2001-02-01T02:04:00.000-05:00

~* what if im wrong?
ive struggled and fussed yet my thoughts have expired.
i dont know what to do.
i dont know what i want.
all i know is that are a million different things spinning in my mind,
with not one any closer to being answered.
ive loved once before
and it put my heart in a vice.
the beaten and tattered remains are not confident enough to withstand this.
to overcome the pain again.
i wonder though, who suffers more?
me through my fear,
or you through your desire.
for fear can sink the greatest ships,
and desire cannot save even the smallest.
so here we meander
in our concrete labyrinth with locked doors.
forced to do nothing but bounce off our options
both positive and negative alike,
without reaching any final destination,
without a conclusion.
i know not the origin of our actions,
which makes it even more difficult to stop them.
can you know how to end without first knowing how to start?
i love you,
for what its worth.
however, i dont see the necessity in building a larger castle,
when we live in the greatest palace of them all,
friendship.*~

2001-02-01T01:58:00.000-05:00

if i didnt hate everything i'd probably try to like you

2001-01-28T23:11:00.000-05:00

forget daggers.
his eyes were
full of
m80's

2001-01-28T23:10:00.001-05:00

i will cry you a river and fill it with piranah

2001-01-28T23:10:00.000-05:00

i would like to cut open every vein
and fill them with poisen
like your smiles once filled my head

2001-01-28T13:38:00.000-05:00

***dead newengland winter***

drawing blanks
as
pens sit
idle
among stacks
of paper.
days get shorter
(sleep longer,
work more)
barely talking
as lips
move, barely
living as
hearts beat.
slowly hours
pass, suns
set, rise,
and expand
drafts bite
at barefeet.
radios send
the same message
day after day.
letters take their
time. and
i sit alone
watching it
all...

2001-01-28T06:46:00.000-05:00

your hard times and her niceness make me want to stick glass shards in my eyes and let them work their way down to my heart. coloring everything in between black and grey and silvery. there is no emotion in silver.

2001-01-28T06:30:00.000-05:00

i can hear your words every time and i'm looking at them now and i know you love me and i wish that was enough. i'm the fool.

2001-01-27T16:39:00.000-05:00

when i look into your eyes, i know what you're thinking. dreaded days approaching. i won't make it through the storm. if i told you, maybe you would stay a little longer.

2001-01-24T17:25:00.000-05:00

to never see
you
again
i would do
almost anything.
driven beyond
the dissatisfaction
of you
existance...
your choking
words beg
forgivness
as to my desire
my desire,
my relief
the nightmare
ends.
not a tear shed
on my part,
your sinking
corpse
turns rivers
red...

2001-01-24T16:46:00.000-05:00

when the light hits your eyes, you're too blind to see. snd when you're all alone, you have to act like a king.

2001-01-24T16:37:00.000-05:00

love of old, it seems to last. history just won't stay in the past.

2001-01-23T23:14:00.000-05:00

another week of dreams
come true,
a month away
and in her arms.

2001-01-22T23:03:00.000-05:00

somehow it seems like my freinds just stole each other and forgot about me

fuck you all

if i cared i would be hurt

2001-01-22T23:01:00.000-05:00

its hard to write when you dont let yourself feel anything. i dont know how to start feeling though. i am sorry i havent written anything. sorry i havent said anything of significance to...anyone, ever... it seems. if i did feel, i would care. and i bet if i did feel and care and said things, they would be important and meaningful. i would tell you how much i cared about you. because really, i do somehow, and would even more if i felt anything. sorry i cant do that. maybe things would be different if i couldve. maybe i could matter to someone somewhere...
i mean... i always thought i felt things. i still do usually. i usually think that i'm very feeling and sensitive and heartbroken but in reality it doesnt matter. deep down i can just go on and let nothing affect me.
or maybe i just like to tell myself that.

xoxox

.........usemyslitwriststosignmynamewith..........

2001-01-22T18:48:00.000-05:00

so easily broken and so easily put back together. starting the cycle for the sake of something to do. tear it apart. then, carefully collect the pieces for reparing. nimble hands place it all into the original spot. declaring victory once again. seemingly perfect to the careless eye.

2001-01-20T17:33:00.000-05:00

drawing in the lines. telling a story without speaking a word.

2001-01-17T22:57:00.000-05:00

driving through darkness
cars racing around me
the lights are blurry
and the music is intense
its building up like music in a bad movie
where you know that someone is going to sneak up
behind the cheesy girl
and kill her
everyone else can see it coming
but she's blind to what's around her
its like a stupid metaphor for life lately
except im finally opening up my eyes
declare a holiday?
i declare a war on the world

2001-01-17T19:35:00.000-05:00

"What did you ever become?" you asked. I said, "I was told to be smiles and bright
eyed happiness, but sometimes I can't find anything to laugh at." "I don't
want to be here." you said. It seems like I almost always have that effect
on everyone. I say to myself, "You aren't the first one to think like me."
And I just want to be like everyone else. Why can't I be everything to
everyone else, or maybe just to you? Just once I would like to be something.
And I wouldn't mind if you'd like to be with me.....
.saves the day saves my day.
-danielleey

2001-01-17T19:32:00.000-05:00

"christmas time is over" you said in that voice
which means you stopped thinking
and started feeling
and its the feeling that stops thinking about me.

2001-01-17T19:30:00.000-05:00

the weeds
have grown
where the sun
once shown.

2001-01-16T20:50:00.000-05:00

12-14-00

one nite come
and
gone
alone again
here with out
you.
you'd think
after months
i'd be fine...
used to
it all)

2001-01-16T20:45:00.000-05:00

blood red
wrists.
what i
dream
becomes me.
bathtubs
fill themselves
with what
i once was
pouring from
viens.

2001-01-15T19:40:00.000-05:00

whisper of night
glowing moon lights the sky
and she aches

(falling back into the tears of yesterday)
yesterdays are forever

2001-01-15T19:38:00.000-05:00

remember the train passes above our heads
simon and garfunkel sing us a lullaby
*homeward bound*
a place where everything's ok
i never stop telling u i care
because i really do
i find myself thinking about u
and worrying about you these days

2001-01-15T03:51:00.000-05:00

history has been known to repeat itself. this might be one of the occasions where it does just that.

2001-01-15T03:47:00.000-05:00

choking back the tears. losing a piece of myself day by day. blank and boring. my personality erodes like stone.

2001-01-14T14:10:00.000-05:00

through these seasons
i've gathered up every word you said
like so many dried flowers
guarded them somewhere down
inside where the brain hits the spine
body and minds first meeting..

and when you told me the truth
i used your wordroses as bullets
hit you with them
as if i wanted to kill you
and myself
cut us both with the blade
that comes from a repeated
....i loved you....

2001-01-13T21:55:00.000-05:00

*pieces will fall*

days not over
still much to
be said,
and much to
be done.
plans
begin to
arise and
days begin
to lengthen
and sooner
or later
pieces will
fall into place
and hearts
will take
form
closing distance
with one
final journey
south
and thoughts
of warm forevers
fill the skies
between
massachusetts
and
florida <3

2001-01-11T02:27:00.000-05:00

cupid is my next victim
i will burn that big heart
angel wings, arrows in flames
even his blood can never wash away
dark evenings &
"please hold me's"

2001-01-11T00:45:00.000-05:00

>opening my
heart
pens
copy
word for
word
emotions
trapped
in
black
secret minds.
take
sadness
from my
happiness,
nothing was
ever there
for you
to hold.
dont pretend
there
was<

2001-01-10T21:43:00.000-05:00

sometimes i think
if i could just wear a sign on my heart...
"CAREFUL: FRAGILE!"
everything would be okay.

2001-01-10T19:22:00.000-05:00

person #1 - dont touch me! dont question me! dont speak to me! stay with me!
person #2 - but did i ever leave you?
#1 - you let me go

2001-01-10T16:42:00.000-05:00

*why must
this go on?
boston had
ended it
for me.
but still,
after all
has been
said, done,
and
sliced into
wrists
she won't
stop.
what else
could i have
meant by
never?*

2001-01-10T16:39:00.000-05:00

* 4:40am *

4:40am
one thousand some odd miles
south
she sleeps
and im
left awake
without her.
the farther apart
we get
the colder
everything is...
as snow falls on sleepy
newark
i listen
one more
time
to
the tapes,
and pour
over
photo booth
creations
into her
eyes.

2001-01-10T16:31:00.000-05:00

perfect love
1500 miles
apart
converstations
becoming
letters
and phone
calls
turning into
hugs
and long
walks...
the stars
were in on
this one

2001-01-10T16:28:00.000-05:00

thinking alone
tears
without her...
her eyes.
eyes that
cried for me
i see them
when i dream

2001-01-10T16:23:00.000-05:00

backwoods
nowhere
somewhere in
southcarolina
cotton fields
fly by
my lonely
breaking heart
listening to
tapes she
made me
i brush away
tears.
its getting colder
without her
in my arms.

2001-01-10T14:46:00.000-05:00

its funny how
your tears make me cry
and i stay up the night
worrying about
how i can be a better freind to you
make you happier
and
you dont even care when i'm crying
because we arent freinds.